Lately, I have been feeling like the root of all evil. And it's hard being the root of all evil. I don't want to dwell though. I'm starting counseling. I think about suicide way too much and I think I really don't want to do it but it's frustrating and draining that all my thoughts go to jumping off a bridge or driving my car into a wall or poisoning myself but usually my thoughts are that I would hit someone on my way off the bridge, or what a waste of a new car or that's too bad for whoever has to clean up after me.

I told the therapist that I react strongly. But after a week of thought, that isn't true. I actually have very delayed reactions. For instance, two months after my ex roommate tore my heart into shreds, I just realize how wrong she was to make me feel so bad or how wrong she is period. But I dunno. Too many damn psychology classes are trying to make me see things objectively but who sees things objectively? No one. So why should I? Because everyone else is crazy.

I pissed off Xab. He's part of the grocery strike. But he's not striking. I haven't pushed him too because he insists that he'll just find another job. I pointed out that it took him a month to find his first job (and that was the month where I really wanted shoot myself). If he strikes for a certain number of hours he gets a little money and if he doesn't, it could be weeks until he gets a paycheck. I mean, sure if gets a job tomorrow he still won't get a paycheck for another week or two and who's going to have to make ends meet? Me. And I seriously can't. I'm still trying to pay off the debt we made from the past few months. I shouldn't have brought it up. but I dunno. It's important right? It's stupid money. And it isn't about money. It's about covering things up so I don't caught for harboring a boyfriend.

One of the hardest things to face: Thinking that you were doing good for one person and the entire world thinks you're wrong.

Man, so my summer's been a rollercoaster so far. I don't even know where to start. First of all, back in June, Xab moved out of his mom's house and into my apartment which set off a whole lot of problems of me lieing to a bunch of people regarding his whereabouts and who's paying rent and who's living there and not paying rent. Long story, don't feel like getting into it. Point of story; he's here.

It's not so bad. I thought we'd break up or something bad would happen between the two of us but things are pretty much the same. We're both working now and I go to school so we don't see each other that much.

Working sucks. I learned that you have to become another person because it's all... do this, do that... no questions asked. I mean, it's taught me a lot about the shitty real world and I'm making money but it just got me more freaked out about the future and how I better find something I like doing before I get a 9 to 5 and hate all hours between after I graduate. I dunno though. I even work in a sector related to my psych major and realized that I'm not excited by it that much. I seriously don't care that much and it's scaring me. I don't even know what exactly I like. Ahh, and my family is liked pick something you like but hurry and finish colllege, which is really hard because I only have to years left to find another major and change which I'm not doing because I'd rather just get the hell out. Who knows, people usually don't get jobs relating to their major anyway. but it still worries me that I have no idea what I'm doing. I only have plans up to next year which is pretty much go to school and make money so I can go abroad to Spain. But after spain who knows what I'm going to be doing. Maybe I'll just stay there. That'll be fun.

Xab's bike was stolen. I saw some kids using it a few days ago so I yelled at them. They were terrified of me and gave it back. The scary part was that they called me "ma'am." I'm not that old.

Xab turned twenty yesterday. I'll be next in about two weeks. I told that I think its sexy that he's a year older than me. Too bad it only lasts two weeks. Haha.

testing

yay, my archives are back. maybe i'll be motivated to blog more frequently again. but first disaster of the night: study for spanish!

Have you ever had someone really close to you that wore the ultimate rose-colored glasses? And felt somewhat jealous and bitter toward them? My now ex-roommate is like that and everytime I think of her I just have these negative emotions. And I really don't understand why. I was asking Xab how I can know so much more (more than her) about the world and feel so miserable. "Ignorance is bliss," he replied. But there's nothing in the cliche proverb to explain my bitterness. I don't want to be ignorant. I'm trying to fight my own ignorance and I guess I can't stand other people prancing around in their own, making no effort to educate themselves.

But it still makes no sense. I feel horrible that I feel jealous. I try to give myself excuses that we just have different realities or different viewpoints but another side of me says that that's total bullshit - there's only one reality and different viewpoints are merely the degree of brainwashedness... probably a more paranoid, psychotic side of me.

My other roommate asked "Why should you feel bad that your friend is happy?" (but hey, she's in the same dilemma as well). Aside from all the bitterness, I hope to God that her rose-colored window never shatters.

well finals are finally over. not that they were too bad. i only had two. i'm still in my apartment though. everyone at home is wondering why i just don't come home and well, truthfully, i just don't feel like it. I kind of just need some downtime to myself and just need to zone out for a week. I really don't want anyone bothering me after this hectic school year. Just one week to myself and then I can go home every weekend if they want.

I'm actually not spending the week by myself. One of my roommates (the one I don't despise) is stuck here and it sucks being alone so I'll just keep her company. But that probably won't happen. I visited some family over the weekend. I originally was going to live at their house if I didn't get next year's housing situation straightened out. It's a good thing that I did because they live really far.

Still looking for a job. Getting kinda discouraged and wondering if I actually need a job or if I'm afraid that people are going to look at me and wonder why I'm a lazy bum. But I'm not going to be a lazy bum if I don't work. I'd probably do some volunteering and reading (some real education that I couldn't do because school gets in the way). Of course I wouldn't get paid but I seriously don't need money. I can survive off thrift shopping and begging frozen leftovers from my auntie... and finding more relatives that live in the area.

the reason i haven't been posting as much is because i started another blog that my friends have access to. the problem was that i don't think i'm ready to show myself to some of them. i try not to discuss my personal problems too much but sometimes i get weird reactions like "wow, and i thought my problems were big. mine are incomparable to yours." and i just feel this urge to scream "aghh! i'm not that person whose doomed with irresolvable problems! i'm not here to make you feel lucky." I don't want their sympathy. or i mention the word 'racism' or something like that and some of them would say "umm... maybe it's just in your imagination...?" I just wonder if they've been alive the past 19 or 20 years or if they're still sleeping and watching the idiot box. strangely, the friends i'm talking about do spend massive amounts of time in from the television.

i feel more alien among my 'friends' than i should be. and i really can't talk about shit like this on my other blog.. because they'd read it. so what am i talking about on my other blog? stupid crap like what i did today. really boring and uninteresting.

so i guess i'm back here. not too bad though. i've been looking for a summer job but no one's hiring. or at least no one that wants me. and i'm pretty picky. i really don't need money aside from my what parents give for my rent and education. it would be nice if i had money. but not that nice. i think i actually don't want money since i'm pretty much working for free or sometimes paying to work (i.e. volunteering).

oh i don't know if i mentioned this, but i'm planning to go to england and spain next year. six months in europe. my mom doesn't mind the england part but she thinks i'm crazy that i'm going to spain "just to learn spanish." i told her that i would pay for it with a loan and that i'd get her Lladro figurines or whatever. she still thinks i'm but she's not stopping me.

and i really need to get away. i can't stand this city anymore but since i want to hurry and graduate, i want to finish here. so i might as well stay away as much as possible. i'm pretty excited. not as excited as when i first figured this plan out. i just need a couple thousand dollars and survive the next school year and intensive summer spanish classes (and get accepted into the program) and it looks like a go.

a week ago, i ran into the beach water with the cell phone in my shorts. i learned that saltwater and electronics don't meet. so for abot a week i was unconnected to a phone, and it was pretty nice. not that anyone really cared. it was just one less thing to worry about. my mom was a little annoyed at my carelessness. we got a replacement phone and it sucks becaues now i'm going to worry more abou this stupid thing. oh well. now i have to go plug all the phone numbers back in. i used to have this talent for memorizing phone numbers but after i got a cell phone that became useless. oh well.

dang... final exam time is nearing. i think it's hard to believe that i'm already at the half-point of my college career. but why does it feel like i haven't learned anything?

definition of friendship

i've learned that your true friends come out in crisis. one of my roommates went out on a limb for me when i was stressed out over something i had to do. well, it's not like she risked her life for me or anything but the fact that she put things aside so she could be there for me. i was really grateful to her for that. just knowing that she could be there.

on the other hand, my other roommate is willing to destroy basically her three only friendships in college all because she decided to use my other roommate as a scapegoat for her bad grades. i don't know how she came to the conclusion that it's my roommate's fault she got bad grades because in my book, you have only yourself to blame for your own personal failures (unless under extenuating circumstances... which she was not.)

i just feel very disappointed in her. it just makes me afraid of her. she went on to discuss to me the importance of grades... and to me grades are only important because the university and our judgemental society puts so much emphasis on it. grades mean nothing. and she basically said that her grades come before her friends. and something that means nothing comes before her friends. she is willing to forsake her only friendships, blame her, move out in the belief that it will make her grades better. (oh did i forget to mention that she recently got a boyfriend?)

of course you can't blame the two-faced perfect little angel boyfriend she has. god forbid. no. let's blame those who have stuck by her, those who have tried to protect her and support her.

my roommate still wants to clear her name and resolve this issue but i don't easily trust and i can be unforgiving on certain things. i guess this is just one of those things. it was interesting because before she told me all this, she was asking if i consider her boyfriend one of my friends. i bluntly told her that 'friend' is a heavy term i don't just throw around at people and that basically i disliked her boyfriend so no, he is not my friend. then she tells me. it's not her fault or even her boyfriend's fault she has bad grades. it's her friend's. what bullshit is that?

Philippines Likely to Supply Many Workers Rebuilding Iraq

i really don't know what to think about that. i know that employment sucks over in the philippines and that many filipinos work overseas to earn money to send home (i think its the initial reason my mom is here). but, why do i feel like filipinos are used as cannon fodder? maybe i'm just paranoid. i hope so. my rant on the abuses and brutalities on overseas filipino workers will have to be saved for another late, insomniatic night.

anyway xab and i started having a conversation about this and "brain drain" or the migration of skilled/trained persons out of a country into another region. when c visited the philippines and when i talk to my grandmother who is in the philippines there's always this talk about 'home'. "when are you coming home?" "how long are you going to be home?" "you should come home." since i'm the kind of person that likes to obsess on things that seemingly have no point or can have no solution, i find this bizarre. but in their whole overall plan, were we suppose to come 'back'? sometimes it feels like that. my grandparents somewhat 'let' my parents go abroad for whatever reason with the initial impression that they were going to come back. except they kinda had kids and had to settle down... except in another country. i guess it's just my grandma. maybe she has an illusion that we're all going to come back someday.

testing

new quarter blues

during the last few days of my short spring break, i was overcome with bouts of deep anxiety. i could feel my heart pounding intensely inside my chest and even though i tried to ignore it and not acknowledge it as anxiety, nothing could stop it. i tried to slow my breathing to counteract my racing heart but it didn't help. nothing helped, except talking. about anything. just so long as i was talking or listening, something to distract me from my internal malfunctioning. i didn't know what it was. i was beginning to think that i was going to start having panic attacks.

then as i hopped into my car, said goodbye to my brother and told him to be good, loaded my crap into my car with xab's help, waved goodbye, tears began to fall. it's my sixth quarter of college and at the beginning of each quarter i just have to cry. it seems like something pathetic. i know. it's worse every quarter. the fact that i can't get accustomed to coming and going like other people though. that i don't want to stay home; and i don't want to be away.

i sped off before xab could see me cry. and then all my anxiety left. as if the only thing i were dreading was the goodbye. but it seemed like so much more. i didn't want to leave my mom alone with my brother, i didn't want to leave my brother alone unguided, i didn't want to leave xab alone period. but as soon as i started the engine, and pulled the car into reverse and drove off, it all left. as soon as i realized that i was alone, the anxiety just disappeared.

i don't want to stay home and i don't want to be away. maybe my happiness spot is on the freeway. i know what i'm suppose to be doing when i'm driving. i'm suppose to get from point a to point b. there's none of the confusion of where am i going with my life or why is my brother a jackass or was it wrong that i left home for college? it's just driving. everything makes sense.