I have less than a week until I return to the 9th level of hell. I'm a little relieved about leaving again because I get my breathing space away from my parents and my loving, yet annoying younger brother. Just a little. At school, I get so much breathing room that I feel like I'm standing all alone atop a crag, teetering this way and that, dreading the fall I could take any moment and dreading the fact that no one is there to catch me or even comfort me if I do take a dive. My roommate gives me all the breathing space I could possibly need but she occasionally disturbs the balance by poking and shoving me with her incessant, selfish witch-like behavior.

I don't regret staying home. I pondered the thought of me staying in my hometown and going to the same university as my friends. But I think that I would be slightly more unhappy here than in Hell. I would be discontent and maybe unchallenged since they're not being challenged either. But the lonesomeness is irksome. I want to be with Xab. Sometimes I find myself wishing that the 3.6 more years will hurry up and fly by so I don't have to be lonely, so I can be with him. But of course, I don't actually wish for that. You're suppose to enjoy college. Maybe there's something in the next 3.6 years that I don't want to miss.

About this roommate I keep venting about. I vent about her to nearly everyone. Everytime someone asks "How's college?" I say, "I hate college. Why? my roommate." And the reasons I give them is that she wakes me up in the middle of the night and that she takes my stuff all the time. Yes, she has to wake me at an ungodly hour at least three times a week. But that isn't all even though it's enough to irk the average roommie. It's just the way she conjured a friendship out of me. I'm a difficult person to make friends with. But at first, I liked being friends with her. She called me her sister and we acted like sisters. Everyone envied our relationship because roommates weren't as sisterly as we were. We aren't gay or anything. We were sisters.

Anyway, she began to see me as just part of her room. I no longer became her sister or even her friend. Just her roommate. I used to care about her a lot. I have no sister of my own and I liked that fact that I could look after someone and they could look after me. I didn't like it when my roommate was exhausted from nights of sleep deprivation or that she was distressed over a difficult term paper. I was always there for her to talk to.

I stopped caring. She obviously didn't appear to care about her grades or even her health so why should I? I don't really mind if people care about me or not (I just mind if they get in my way), but she didn't give me a damn about me. She never returned her side of the friendship. Of course, it took me a while to realize I was being naive and that she always turned a deaf ear on me. She found me in tears once and the only action she took was crawling into bed and turning off the light.

A lot of people I talked to tell me that I should reconcile with her or at least step up the terms with living together. But I had a sad and sometimes true philosophy. I don't believe people can change. Sure, they could but will they? Unless held at gunpoint, maybe not. (Of course, I grew up around a lot of stubborn people and young people who believe their "ways are set".) I don't like wasting my time or my breath waiting for people to change anymore. So now when I hear a groan of discontent from her, a signal that she needs an ear, I put on the headphones or wear earplugs.

12/29/2001 12:04:16 AM

Still sick today. Xab and I tried to finish that impossible jigsaw puzzle. I say we made 5% progress in five hours. Anyway, nothing exciting today. I'm looking at the layout for my site and I'm already tired of it... so expect a new layout before the end of infinity.

Darn, I thought I could make it through one whole year without getting sick and here am I, the day after Christmas, about a week until the big countdown, and my brother decides to be generous with his flu-like symptoms. Oh well, I'm starting to feel better.

Christmas was uneventful. I got stuff for Christmas. I really don't remember how I spent Christmas. All I remember was that there was beer and karaoke.. and I was running away from it. Two haunting things that are always at a Filipino gathering. I'm surprised that there wasn't any mahjong. Xab was with me the whole Christmas day. My extended family is getting to know him and I met his family that night. They're... how should I say... Loud?

I blown off my $10 gift certificate at Target for The Game of Life board game. I snickered past as two girls were eyeing the life board games, saying that "Our life is broken." We also picked up a jigsaw puzzle and the new No Doubt cd, hehe. I like their two other CDs better, but I really haven't listened to the whole album well enough to toss it in my dust collection. We played the life board game with my brother. At the end of the game, me and Xab were multimillionares (but he beat me by a thousand or so dollars) and my brother (who was insisting that his game piece was gay and should marry a blue peg) had a bad life and ended the game nearly broke. Heh, good thing it was just a game.

I spent some time with my brother. I worry about where he is going in life. I don't worry as much now since he's older and he has to make his own decisions and I have my own daily miseries to worry about. Anyway, there are three interests in his life: pro-wrestling, video games and working out. None of it involves school or flexing that stagnant organ known as his brain. I wish he'd be open-minded to other interests and school. He isn't a stupid kid. Anyway, tonight, I think I opened his eyes a little. We opened one of his Christmas presents which was a battlebot model. Basically, scrap metal in a box that you piece together. I admit that I did most of the work assembling the darn thing, but he seemed interested. Whoo, I did one thing productive this winter break. hehe.

Today I went last minute Christmas shopping for my mom as predicted. We bought See's chocolate which is way too sweet and way too expensive for just chocolate. We also bought a punching bag for my brother. It was that or an overpriced playstation 2 or something related to what he has too much of: pro wrestling. We then went back to my house and wrapped all the presents that I was too lazy to wrap. Overall, an interesting day.

My cousin stopped by with his pregnant girlfriend, along with his parents. I guess his parents have reconciled with the girl at least for the holiday season. The entire family despises her, but I don't know why. Actually, I know why but I don't know if being a college dropout and unemployed can stir up such passionate hate. My cousin and his girlfriend were asking if I was enjoying college, and I told them that I hate it. They frowned and said that since I'm a psychology major, I should be open-minded. I shouldn't judge people until after I get to know them and that I should try to get along with my roommate. I told them the truth. I went there open-minded, I got along with roommate like sisters and I got to know people. It was only after I got to know people that I came to the conclusion that people are stupid. My cousin wanted know about my little college adventures but I don't have any. I just study all day. No drinking, no clubbing, no boys. Heck, no friends, even.

Tomorrow's Christmas. You know what that means: Stores are closed and churches are open; conclusion: people stay home and watch football or whatever's on TV. Heh, pardon my bitterness.

I spent the day watching the little cousins. This time we weren't in my house but it didn't take long for everyone to realize that all valuable and fragile belongings had to be out of reach of children. It was pretty funny because when the little terror (the baby cousin) picked up a nice, fancy, clear flower vase everyone jumped to their feet in fear of broken pieces of glass that would come in about five seconds. They rushed over to the terror before he could throw but... there it went into the air and with it, people's screams. It turns out that it was just plastic that really looked like glass. Sometimes I think my auntie set that vase their to pull pranks on people because i remember when I had my little scare probably with the same baby when he was younger.

Later on, Xab came. He reluctantly let me drive back to my house in his car by myself. I saw him waving bye, but I'm not sure if he was waving at me or the car. Jeez, I was only going two blocks away. Just because I nearly failed my DMV test doesn't mean I'm a maniac driver. He also told me what my Christmas present was. It's pretty funny because I was pretty settled on not caring or not caring to know until Christmas. Well, that was after I tried to rush back out to the car and open the trunk. Anyway, my auntie has a really nice telescope on top of the TV and I grabbed and started to head outside. Then he told me to put it down. Yay, now I can make my laser beam to take over the world. =D

Well, that's all for today. I'm guessing that tomorrow I'll be doing my MOM's last minute shopping somehow. Oh well. That beats babysitting, I think.

12/23/2001 12:47:47 AM

Well, I'm tired. It's really Sunday, isn't it? I was suppose to be spending the day cleaning the house and preparing everything for the visitors. But I think most of my time went to burning CDs and taking crappy pictures with the even crappier digital camera. It's not that crappy for $30, but it makes me want a REAL camera now. Yep, so the house isn't that clean. Beware of angry mother.

I also read a little bit from my psychology textbook. And I read part of the Restaurant at the End of the Universe, which is the sequal to The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. They're very funny. But totally pointless, it seems, which makes it even funnier. I'd recommend that book to anyone who's a little off-center.

The visitors came. They'll be here for four days. Not that I dislike them or anything. I actually really like them.. but I don't know how long I can stand guard over my mom's fragile ceramics and figurines from the little terrors (little cousins) that now stalk the house. The little baby already broke a vase, which is kind of a tradition because it seems like all the cousins have to break something in the house before they're the age of two. I'm surprised my mom hasn't thrown out the welcome mat yet.

Two more days until Christmas. Am I excited? Not really. I'm sort of seeing it as another annoying holiday in which I am under house arrest. I'm not going to get started on how everyone has forgotten the real meaning of Christmas and how it's become commercialized and all that, even though that's what I believe. I just don't get excited about Christmas anymore. In my house, it doesn't seem like Christmas is for us, for me or my brother or my mom or my dad. It's for other people. Every year my parents are so concerned with giving presents to people outside of the house that they really don't think about their own kids. Sometimes I think that they're just trying to guard their reputations by giving out gifts to everyone in the clan. I really don't remember the last time my bro and I received a present from my parents in the post-Santa era. I guess that's why we're not thrilled any more. I don't think we're spoiled, greedy little brats. The holiday season just means something different to us. To us, Christmas is just about scotch tape, wrapping paper and ripping off price tags.