Today, Xab and I went KMart clearance shopping but there was nothing to buy. I was looking for more gameboy advance game but the price cuts weren't that much.

I got annoyed with Xab today. Or just annoyed. I just kept saying "I'm bored." I don't know what it meant. It just made sense to say it. I tend to lose my appreciation for people. I get bored. I start to seek something else. It's not just with Xab. I probably do it with everyone else too. I think I just get bored easily and I can't stick to one thing. I can't make a decision. Or maybe I don't like stability. The only thing that is constant in my life is instability. Especially in my family life. We aren't all mental. But things can go up and down. And I'm used to it. I was thinking about how I met friends that I'm suppose to spend the next many months of my life with at school, and Xab. It seems like those things in my life are set. And I got bored thinking about it. I shouldn't though. It shouldn't be about how exciting it gets with my friends, I should just enjoy being with them. I probably got into the wrong mode of thinking. I should get everything focused before I go back to school and I might screw up the friendships I have there.

Anyway, some of my hometown friends came to pick me up to go watch Panic Room. Pretty nice take on the burglar movie. Afterward, we ate. At the diner, I had an interesting conversation with my friend who likes denying she's back together with this guy that isn't always on the good side with us.

Me: Dangit, where are those drinks??
Her: Calm down. Don't hunt down the waitress now. (she mentions something about her old boyfriend)
Me. So are you back together with him?
Her. No- Jeez, where are those drinks?

She probably won't admit it to me. But that's fine. I never admitted to her that I got back together with Xab. It's kind of odd since my closest friends are those ones that I'm hiding it from. They're better off not knowing anyway.

Afterward, we went to go see some people we knew in middle school and high school. I never really was close with them, but I gues they're the next closest people after my group of friends. Shows how large the gap of closeness is. We got along pretty well. They're very loud and noisy. I couldn't stand it sometimes but it was a different scene for me and I welcomed the bit of variety. We played the Cranium board game and argued over everything and reminisce about middle school and how immature we were. I think we still are a little bit, but some things don't change.

Oh yeah. I beat Xab in Risk again. Four straight global domination campaigns in a row. Current score - Cal: 4 | Xab: nothing!! (hehe)

3/28/2002 11:03:15 PM

I did something stupid today. I was playing with the car lighter in Xab's car and I burned my thumb. There's this circle on my thumb. The swelling went down completely, but the ring is still white. The pain is almost gone but I think I ruined my fingerprint. It's pretty gross. It looks like those hole punched reinforcements. Only it's under my skin. Xab was getting gas when it happened and when he jumped back into the car, I wasn't going to tell him because I felt really stupid. but then it started swelling up really bad and the painful instant of burning myself kept replaying in my thumb. Only it wasn't a second long. It was continuous. I told him and he just gave me this look. He gave me a water bottle and I stuck my thumb in it to try to keep the swelling down.

I was worried that I wouldn't be able to write when I go back to school on Monday because my thumb would still be throbbing with pain. Thankfully, the pain just lasted a few hours. Who knew that so much pain could come out of my thumb? Actually, I think I was more worried that my thumb wouldn't work when I wanted to play my gameboy advance. I'm addicted to Golden Sun. I played it for six hours straight once. But now I think I'm sick of staring at that little screen so I'll stop playing. That, and I'm running out of batteries.

The world revolves around paper. And I hate it. I can't stand paper work. Filling out college applications, then housing applications and federal aid applications is a pain. I was filling out my FAFSA application, something annoying we college students have to do every year (even though they're never going to give me anything). I can't stand it. And to think, I haven't even filed for taxes yet. I'm going to hate running my own household in the future. I'll probably constantly in trouble with payment bills, even thought I have money. I hate paperwork.

It makes sense that the world revolves around paperwork, and money, and other things humans put value into. How else would this dysfunctional world work out? It would work out better if it revolved around something else... something less materialistic. Like life. People don't value life these days anymore. It's all about money, and interest and other nonsense. I used to think that the WTC attack was good in one way: it made people realize other realities in the world, and could have perhaps opened people's views. It did do that. It did bring people together. But only for a while, it seems. I'm not saying we need another terrorist bombing. I think that's the last thing we need. I think we just need to realize how bad other parts of the world are, and then act on it.

Today, we called the Philippines. First, I dialed the wrong number and that really pissed of my dad because that wasted five minutes of the calling card. When we did call, we got my grandma but my mom wasn't there. I haven't seen my grandmother ever since my brother was born. The last time she saw us, I was five and my brother was this tiny, premature baby. I don't really write to her that much. I say hi to her on the phone once in a while. I really should keep in touch with her. Anyway, we didn't talk about much on the phone. You couldn't really have a decent conversation since she's across the ocean and time was limited. She just asked why I didn't come with my mom and when I was going to visit. Then she talked to my brother. I was shocked at how polite and interested he sounded toward her. We forced him to talk on the phone. Seconds before we shoved the phone into his hand, he was screaming "Nah-uh! I ain't talking to them! No! No! No!" He's really rude. Then as soon as he picked up the phone he said "Hello, grandma. It's me." Not "Yo, wut up, granny?" He was very polite. I was shocked. I could only hear one half of the conversation of course but he was saying "Oh, I'll come next time," "I'm 13, grandma," "How's grandpa?" That boy has a split personality. But that made me smile. He at least has some decency he can show to my mom's parents.

3/26/2002 09:53:54 PM

I took over half the world today and won another game of Risk. I am undefeatable. Mwahaha. Xab and I played with my brother, who is very annoying, but he seemed to know what he was doing. This taking over the world obsession must run in the family.

I have this thing about taking over the world. If there was some way that I could, I think I would. I really don't know what I'd do after I'd take over the world. I wouldn't do it just to be greedy over power and money. I want to fix things. Actually, I don't even think I would like to be in that position of power. I wouldn't mind, but I think I'm more interested in the actual taking over the world part. Conspiring and plotting out strategies to dominate the continents of the world. Yes, I actually think about these things. But who doesn't? It's a childhood fantasy. I've thought about global domination so much that strangely, when people ask me what I'm going to be doing in the future, I try to think of the answer but I spent so much time plotting that the only thing that I can see myself doing is trying to rule the world. I really can't imagine myself in some psychiatric clinic counseling people. Well, I can. But it doesn't sound like something I can do for the next forty years. But who knows what I'll be up to? I don't like thinking about my future because I tend to get nervous. So off to my little fantasy land where I try to take over the world again.

Ever since I got home, I've come to appreciate my mom a lot more. I know now that I'm never going to be a housewife. I hate cleaning up after people. My dad is totally helpless when it comes to maintaining anything outside of the kitchen. He doesn't know how to do anything but cook. It's frustrating because sometimes my brother does stupid things that I don't want to deal with, like vomiting on the carpet, but my dad isn't home and my mom is across the ocean so I have to clean it up. I'm not too icky about that stuff. It's just like "jeez, what did you do this time?" My mom's probably having a great time over in the Philippines. I haven't been there since my brother was born but I'm pretty sure that they spoil you and take care of you and stuff since you haven't made an appearance in 13 years.

Something happened during the past few days (it wasn't the getting drunk part) that made me change how I look at things. I won't say exactly what it is and I don't think it changed my views that much. It just reminded me that there are more important things in life, more important that some things have to wait. I feel like I had the life sucked out of me. I feel energyless yet living but I'm starting to feel better. I guess I have to realize that I can't be flawless and perfect, that we all make mistakes. I guess I should be lucky that the mistake I made wasn't as big as it could have been.

My brother pissed me off today. I can't stand his attitude. He acts all tough then he can't do sh*t for himself. He's always mouthing off, even when we're trying to help him out. So today, I slapped him. I guess I can be a violent person. I try to be patient and I think I can be for a really long time, but when my patience runs thin, I tend to explode. I didn't hit him hard. Actually, I think I even missed. I think I was kind of mean. Tears started welling up in his eyes. I guess he doesn't like to be reminded that he's not a man yet. I try to tell myself that too. He's at that age and the things he does is partly because of hormones, but I have to ask myself each time, maybe he's just plain dense?

Darn blogger. I had an entry about how I came to appreciate my mom a lot more and how I got semi-drunk tonight but it erased it. Well, maybe it was Netscape and not Blogger. Yeah, probably Netscape. Anyway, I'm not typing that up again. Maybe tomorrow. I'm tired.