An update on the roommate situation. Everything is back to normal. That means we stopped talking all together again. I didn't bother talking to my RA about it. Instead I went straight to the housing office and requested a new room. I'm not going to wait for her to change. I'm tired of constantly bitching about her and being a bitch in return toward her. I'm moving out.

The If Project (link)

If you felt the need to avoid someone who lived or worked near your home, how much inconvenience would you put up with? What could you do to make the situation less of a hassle for yourself?

I shared this question with Xab and he responded with "that should be an easy question for you... move 89 miles away." And it's true. I did, in part, move away for college because I wanted to get away from him, among other people. I didn't really like him when the college acceptance letters came in. Actually, I don't think we were going out. I was just endlessly bitter with him while he endlessly followed me around. It was either go to the hellhole I'm at right now, go 500 miles away, go to the same school as him (same distance away as the hellhole), or stay in the same city. God knows that I would not be able to survive being 500 miles away from. I almost couldn't survive being 89 miles away. I didn't even know anything about that school. I don't even know why I applied for it. So that was out. If I was going to go away for college, I wanted my money's worth and my school had a 'higher' reputation than the school Xab was aiming for so why would I want to go crappier school for the same money and the same distance away? I almost decided on the university in my hometown but that was total crap, too. That and I realized that if I chose that school, Xab could chose the same school too and then, history would repeat itself. I would continue to be bitter with him and he would follow me around. So I guess maybe the whole reason why I'm at this godforsaken place is because I wanted to avoid him.

I won't say it was a mistake. It worked out quite well. I've come to appreciate him more and I have room for the 'independence' I wanted to develop. I'm not constantly surrounded by family or Xab. I have my space. It's utterly lonely, but I like it sometimes. It all works out. It's just that my reason for being here is pretty drastic.

I avoided my mom once. Again this involves Xab. Quite a bit before the college acceptance letters came in, I asked my mom what she thought about Xab and hinted that he wanted to 'court' me or whatever outdated term she used. She pretty much laughed in my face, hurt my feelings and left me running off to my room crying. I think for an entire week I avoided her. I was so ashamed to see her and angry that she could just laugh at me like that. I didn't want to talk to her. (During this time, I was planning on going to summer school, getting a job, and doing other stuff right after graduation just so I would never see her). How inconvenient was locking myself in the room for several hours straight? Very. I think I missed brushing my teeth several times because the bathroom is next to her room. I waited until midnight to eat dinner, when I knew she was sleeping. I jumped out of the car before it stopped moving when she wanted to drop me off for school. I think I would have continued for a long time until she said something. She talked to me about, and then laughed in my face again.

In more recent events, the person I was avoiding was my roommate. I won't explain the extensive story behind her. But basically from her, I learned that I shouldn't avoid people. I shouldn't be passive and let myself be treated badly. I should be upfront and direct with conflicts. I can't always move 89 miles away and this time I couldn't lock myself in the room for several hours since she lived in it. I need to stand up for myself and solve problems for myself instead of running from it and wasting so much time and energy just trying to avoid it.

First day of class. The bio class is basically another psychology class. It shouldn't be too bad since I'm familiar with a lot of the material. I'm also taking an upper-division psychology class even though technically I'm still a freshman. It was a little intimidating because I'm a freshman and these people are somewhat older than me. That and I look like I'm twelve. It's a child development class. I'm not even out of those child development stages. I feel like the professor is talking about me. Hopefully, I'll survive. I don't think it would make much difference if I waited a while to take the class. I know now what I'm going to know next year so it's not going to hurt taking this class. I hope. It just feels like I'm not ready for it.

4/1/2002 08:52:10 AM

Last night my entry was unfinished. Anyway, it was written too soon. I posted it as soon as my roommate came into the room. She didn't read anything. I just didn't want to bother thinking about her since she was already in the room. I was really depressed yesterday. Going to actually move out. Then she talked to me. She said, "So how was your break?" At first, I didn't respond. I was just staring at her, dumbfoundedly. How could she just talk to me like nothing ever happened last quarter. After I didn't respond, she said "were you mad at me?" We usually had these conversations after she did something to piss me off, like bringing friends over at the middle of the night. Usually, I'd just tell her what's wrong and then she'd say that it won't happen again. Of course it does. So this time I was straight with her. "Yeah, I was really mad. I couldn't sleep and it drove me crazy." Then she said, "Yeah, I thought so. I knew why you were mad at me." Then she said that she would try to go to sleep early or if she came in late she would sleep at a friend's hosue so she wouldn't bother me. She said that she'd "reeally try" to make things better for this quarter.Then we started to talking like old times. Well, she said. I was a little hesistant to her sudden friendliness. I guess I've forgiven her. I would have never guessed that she knew what was wrong. She said that she wanted to talk to me earlier but she was scared that I'd yell at her, which I probably would have. She said that she was having a lot of problems with her parents and her grades and she didn't want to bother with me. I don't blame her. I would have done the same thing. About the ignoring part. But I'd at least try to be considerate. Anyway, I've forgiven her but I'm skeptical that things are going to change but I'll give her a chance.

She was saying how weird it was that we used to call each other sisters and we barely talked to each other during the second quarter. We told each other how our friends would walk into the room and feel a bad vibe between us. I didn't promise her my friendship back and neither did she but at least a friendly line of communication is open again. I have to give her credit for being the first one to speak though. I feel like such a wuss for dragging the RA into everything but if I talked to her myself I would have probably said something stupid. Well this whole ordeal is over with. I hope it's smooth sailing the rest of the year but I'm really tired of dealing with crap. But I'm a little optimistic. That must be a good sign.

Sometimes I think we trust computers a little too much. I was trying to access my grades for last quarter and my classes for next quarter and the network won't let me through. I did get through this other part of the school's online network and it said that I wasn't enrolled. So now I'm trying to access all that good stuff through the phone. It took a while but I'm getting through finally. It looks like my GPA is 3.45. So close to the dean's list. Darn. Oh well. I'm over it. It also said I'm still enrolled in my classes so I don't have to go kill anyone.

Well, I'm back here in my hell hole. I still don't like my roommate. I was instantly depressed when I walked into the room and she was already there. I want to move out. Just thinking about her makes me want to move out. I like my sleep. Especially, when I get to sleep. Xab was the one that dropped me off again. I was begging him not to leave but to leave at the same time. I didn't want to be alone but I didn't want to watch him go. I'll probably see him next week but it just shows that my sucky life is not on vacation anymore and it's back to work and insomnia.

I had a talk with my RA before the break and she said that she would to talk to her. But I don't think she did. If she did, she would have apologized to me or something, but she didn't say anything