Hermit Children

Sometimes it seems as if my mom has no family of her own. My dad is usually somewhere across the ocean and I went away for college. My brother is going through that whole puberty thing where he acts like a complete jackass 80% of the time.

Tomorrow they're heading out to some desert city in the middle of nowhere to see relatives. My dad can't go because he has work. My brother and I refused to go. I said that I had an exam to study for so they didn't pressure me too much and my brother gave his jerk attitude to get out of the party. So my mom is going all alone, with family, but not with her family. I feel kind of bad. She had to go to the Philippines without us and she has to show up to a lot of things without us. I think she understands though. My brother and I just don't get along with our more distant relatives. We just came out too different from everyone else.

If it isn't about that, it's about how they say that I gained weight (something really shallow) or how they stare at my brother's crippled leg. They don't seem to tease my brother so much anymore but they don't like to play with him even though he's practically a normal kid. They don't want to hurt him while they rough house or whatever.

It's probably not even that either. I think we really just don't belong near people like my cousins, not that they're bad people. We just don't belong.

Circular Insomnia

I finally finished my essay and am now relieved of studying for any midterms. Of course they start back up again next week and the week after, and two weeks after that I have finals. But it's okay. I don't mind. I'd rather have all my exams spread out, having minor mental breakdowns here and there rather than one massive breakdown that would take too long to recover from.

Anyway, it's around 2:30 in the morning and I can't sleep. I finally get a chance after a few days of irregular sleeping habits to get a good night's rest but I can't sleep. I think I'm so tired (or so relieved) that I just can't sleep anymore. Ever have that feeling? Where you become so tired that you just can't sleep, or so hungry that you just don't want to eat anymore? No? Probably means I better get to bed.

Bad Eyesight ¹ Schizophrenia

I was heading over to my old dorm to pay a visit to my friends when some girl in crutches comes wobbling by.

"Hi Cal!" she said with a smile on her face.

"Hey!" I replied with the same enthusiasm even though I couldn't quite make out who she was, she being about twenty feet away. (My eyesight is detoriating.) I just tried to return the warm greeting, maybe in a few seconds as she came closer she would be recognizable, instead of a big blur.

"How are you?"

"I'm... fine." I was suddenly hesistant and I really couldn't remember who she was and disturbed that she knew my name.. my real name that is. We just smiled and walked away.

Anyway, I knocked on my friends window so she could let me in and asked her if she knew the girl. She didn't know what I was talking about. But okay, we still don't know a lot of people in the dorm.

I asked another friend, describing her. "She's Asian, short and has blond hair and she has crutches."

My friend laughed at me. "You're crazy. You're seeing things. An Asian with blond hair? Haha."

"It's dyed blond!"

But when no one could recall who she was, I started to think that I really didn't see anyone. My friends were telling me that I was seriously losing it. It's understandable; I just got out of taking a 100 question midterm. Of course it would be believable if I had a psychotic moment. They started making fun of me because it wasn't believable that someone I didn't know knew my name or that someone would know my name at all. Haha. They told me I have imaginary friends. We all make fun of each other that way so it's not problem.

My old RA comes by and my friends tell that I've lost it. I describe to her the girl and my old RA, "Yeah, that's your RA." Explosion of laughter. My RA keeps changing her appearance on me. The first time I saw her she was very dressy and formal. The second time I saw, I couldn't recognize her either because she was in her pajamas and glasses. And now she appears in crutches. That and my eyes. I really need new glasses. But at least I'm not crazy.

Anyway, my friend that was thinking about taking drugs talked to me today. She apologized for what she said yesterday and said that she started doing some thinking. It wasn't a mistake that I came over at one in the morning to talk to her. She said it helped her it showed that I cared enough to trek across the campus in the dark for her. And that made her think. Hopefully she means it. But at least I got through to her. Maybe

5/6/2002 01:07:29 AM

A Plea for Attention...

I ran over to her dorm to talk to her but she just kept laughing in my face. I felt helpless after I talked to her. I even shed tears just being helpless.

Then I had a realization. Maybe she just wants attention. Just by the way she looked when she saw me as she opened the door. She looked stunned and embarassed, as if I were going too far with a joke she was pulling. We argued a little bit and she's still firm in her decision but her body language gives away quite a lot. Her words are sure but she doesn't seem so.

It might have been a mistake to go over and confront her so early. She now knows that I'm worrying about her so what is she going to do? Fulfill my worries, give me something to really worry about it. I guess I just won't touch upon it again with her. Unless I actually catch her. I don't know. I shouldn't worry too much. My friends usually aren't easily overcome by stupidity.

5/6/2002 12:35:27 AM

The Rarity of Common Sense

Why do crises come in bundles? I got a grip on that essay. It's needs a lot of touching up on but at least its now in existence.

Anyway, my friend from my old dorm IMs me. She belonged to a fraternity as one of those "little sisters", but about a week ago she dropped out of it saying that it wasn't worth her time. Now she's back in it. She's lost interest in the guy she liked, the guy I told her to go for it. She rejoined the fraternity telling me that they're offering her drugs and alcohol to help her cope with school and family problems.

I don't know if she was serious. It sounded as if she was. It's really stupid because she's a biology major. I'm not a biology major but I know damn well how that crap screws up your mind, body and life. I think she's also putting me in kind of a guilt trip for spending more time with our other friends, but I can't really help it. Everytime I try to spend time with her she shuts me out, telling me she has to study. She shuts all out.

She told me that I wouldn't understand because my family isn't screwed up and that she needed escape.

She's pretty clever in telling me about it since I usually never know what to do. Everyone knows I wait too long to take action, maybe she caught on with me. I have to do something though. I can't just let her ruin herself like this. I just don't know what to say. It's really stupid. I'm a psychology major. I don't know how to help her. Maybe it just shows that picking a major is a waste of time, that college is a waste of time since neither of us can apply our major.

Anyway, I'll have to talk to her. Maybe threaten to kick her butt again. I don't want to get the RA to intervene because she'll be caught and kicked out of the dorms and maybe the university. I don't know. Maybe I'll talk to her right now. Yeah, that's what I'll do.

Parable of the Donkey

A friend IMed this strange little parable just as I was telling another friend that I was going to kill myself after I failed this essay. It made me feel a tad better. :)

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway, it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.

At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well and was astonished at what he saw.

With every shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.

P.S. The donkey later came back and kicked the shit out of the farmer who tried burying him.

Moral: When you try to cover your ass, it comes back to get you.

5/5/2002 03:36:20 PM

I updated my layout again. I decided that I'm boring and no use trying to hide it so I'll make a boring yet user-friendly layout.

I hate writing this political science essay. We're suppose to pick either realism or liberalism and use it to explain the post-WWII security orders which include NATO and the UN. Just writing that makes my head hurt. I think I'm going to get another bloody nose.