Out of Excuses

For a while, I've been able to avoid dreaded family gatherings by saying I had papers to write and midterms to study for. But this time, I can't say that. Not only is it not true but the excuse is overdone. And this is the whopper of all family gatherings. I will be dragged through hell and back if I attend this big family clan reunion. My mom tried to convince me to go. She's somewhere in California picking up my uncle and auntie, I hope safely on her way home instead of toward my dorm. I will kick and scream and throw a temper tantrum. I refuse to go.

She said that now is my chance to meet the uncles, aunties and cousins that I have never met before. Great. I've met new cousins before. My mom used to get me all hyped up about meeting them but when I would meet them they'd end up being snobs or something. Who's to say that this time won't be the same? I should give them a chance, right, instead of shying away from new experiences. I'll probably regret meeting some great people but I'm sorry, I'm still too scarred from the last several times of attending family reunions. I don't want to be bored and frustrated out of my mind. Sometimes I feel like I'm sitting in an arena and people are just sitting at the stands hollering out their mean criticisms of me (how can they criticize me when they don't even know me?). And I can't do anything. Until my mom is done gossiping or my dad is finished playing mah-jong, I'm just stuck in that room, listening to everyone talk trash about me or my brother or just people in general. It's not very interesting. I have better things to do.

Then my mom said that everyone is excited about seeing me. Yeah, right. I've heard that before. "Ooooooohhh, you've gained soooo much weeeeeeeeight." That's what they're excited about. Making fun of me. Or "Oh, you're so short." Although, I'm Filipino. I'm destined to be short. Hello. Or my all-time favorite: "You don't talk much, do you?" Well, $%@#!!, I wonder why that is.

Xab happened to tell my mom the reason why I didn't want to go. She said, "I talked to Xab, today. He said you didn't want to go because of the reunion." So how am I supposed to get out of that one? "Tell me why you really don't want to go. I know you don't need to study the whole weekend." What if I told her "I'm tired of everyone telling me that I'm fat, or short, or too skinny or too quiet"? or "I think I'm adopted so I shouldn't be included in the reunions." What am I suppose to say? What would she say to all that? "Well, lose some weight. It's your fault you didn't grow." I don't know.

I JUST DON'T WANT TO GO!

Maybe I'll show up one day. When I'm all done with college. Either as some successful professional or a homeless bum. That way, I'll really give them something to talk about.

I'm done venting. I guess I'll go back to crying my pathetic eyes out. I don't have anyone to talk to. I feel like everyone is not on my side. Maybe I'm wrong. What an idiot I am, then. Oh well. I just don't want to talk to anyone.

Not going to plummet

My head hurts. I've been trying to read chapters upon chapters of political science but now my brain feels as if it's clogged up with gunk and I can't think straight.

It seems that the great week I had last week isn't going to replicate itself this week. I bombed my psych midterm. I got 71%. I'm not feeling too bad about it. I probably should but I guess I'm too busy. Anyway, it's only one midterm and I did really well on the first one and on the final I'll have to do really well to get a decent grade. I also turned in a pretty bad essay for my developmental psychology class but no use crying over that either. I'll just have to wait and see what grade I get on it.

Even though things are starting to go downhill I'm not going to go down with it. I really don't want to feel like crap anymore. I want to avoid a downward spiral. If things get rough, I tend to feel bad and make more mistakes. Then that snowballs into other worse things. And then it repeats. I don't want that anymore. I'm just sick of it.

Maybe it's because I have no one to take care of me if things go rough. Or I've seen my friends put themselves in these circular situations. You see that the simple yet most difficult step to take is out of that circle. I don't want to be caught in those spirals again. It's too frustrating and it's such a waste of time.

I hope I can keep my word to myself and not dig myself into one of these pits that I have later dig myself out of.

Hungry

It's the time of the quarter. The dining commons has to poison me at least once each quarter. I've been sitting in class trying to fight off a dull but relentless, nauseating pain. It's really hard to stomach things. No, it's not. The food stays in; it's just the pain of digesting it. And I'm hungry. I want to eat. But I really don't want to be sick. I guess it's time to live off top ramen for a while until they get rid of whatever bad stock of vegetable or meat they have that's making me sick.

Lovesick

I don't like to talk about my lovelife but I can't hide it. I miss Xab! I don't know what it is - a chemical imbalance, my sudden interest in depression love songs, or exposure to sad love stories. I'm missing him so much that I'm making myself sick. I'm not really a hopeless romantic. This is why I feel bothered. I don't know. Maybe I've been eating too much. Indigestion. I love Xab but I usually have enough brains to stay focused.

I think a series of events that happened over the weekend made me realize how lucky and almost undeserving of knowing someone so gentle and kind as Xab. I tried to imagine myself not knowing him in the future and it just doesn't work. I feel sad at those thoughts.

It sounds kind of immature that I had to realize things to make me appreciate Xab. Love usually means appreciation but I've been ungrateful. I have to admit though that I don't love Xab with all my heart. Maybe that's a bad thing but my heart isn't easily won. I just think it would be a lie if I said something like that. I love him but I'm not going to drop a line like "with every fiber of my soul" or something. I'm fickle. But I guess that's good. I shouldn't be completely obsessed over one person. I even told him that. Aren't I cruel? "I don't love you with all my heart." But he understood. Although he wouldn't return the words (that idiot), it makes sense to me. My love for him is great but I know it's not complete. I'm still young and love will have room to grow.

But for now, I have to focus on my darn schoolwork while everyone else is finishing their final exams and fleeing their campuses. I'll see Xab at the end of the week and then I'll feel better.