It's a dark, bleak world

If there is one thing I am not going to remember from my international relations class (retaining all the theories, policies and histories in my memory doesn't seem probable), it's that the world isn't a very happy place. I already knew that, of course. But ten weeks of this class just enforces it. (Again it enforces how lucky I should feel to be born as one of the 'advantaged' in a world of 6 billion people, many of whom don't have it all that great.) Then it makes me upset. My professor has exposed us (well, only my friend and I, since no one else came to the optional video viewing) to a lot of anti-Western sentiment all around the world, and a whole bunch of other problems and wars that are going on. It just bothers me. How do you make those people happy and peaceful? You can't. Someone is always going to be ticked off at something. With the way the world has grown, something is always going to go wrong. It just seems like the intervention that people do (most of the time, when they're not trying to be capitalist hogs) is just to buy time. But what happens when it catches up?

Usually, I don't think about this stuff. If the topic is brought up, I give my usual, ideal yet improbably answer: I'm going to take over the world and fix everything. But back to reality. How is it going to be fixed? I want to know more. I've been reading about a lot of international stuff this week. When I was waiting for my experiment appointment, I was reading a magazine article on child soldiers. It's cruel. I imagined myself or worse, my brother, in that position - being forced to kill.

I'm also starting to think I'm anti-capitalist. Not that I'm communist. Communist is great, ideally, but practically, it doesn't seem to work. Capitalism is like a plague, it just spreads. It kind of pisses me of that the government is spending so much money abroad defending and perhaps expanding when there are so many hungry children here in our own country. It ticks me off that schools, daycares and teachers are the ones that educate and shape the future, but the field is underemployed and underpaid. (Then you turn on the TV, and you watch some guy who can shoot a ball through a net make a million dollars. Do you know what a million dollars can do?)

It just doesn't make sense. This world is a giant epileptic brain. Hopefully, I won't forget how pissed off I am and I'll actually do something about it.

random babble

I have nothing to say, so I guess I'll just talk about my day. I managed to not fall into another vicious cycle of insomnia. Two o'clock in the morning and I still felt hyper and tireless but as soon as I stopped talking and closed my eyes, I must have conked out.. to Xab's relief.

I went to my only class today... biology. We have a new lecturer. I don't think the class seems to like him. The class usually has about 300 people but ever since he started teaching attendance went down to about.. 50 people. He's really different from the other lecturer. They're both talking about damaged brains but it seems like he just likes to hear himself talk. I guess a lot of professors like doing that. Hmm.

I also went to an experiment today to get extra credit for my psych class. The experimenter didn't want me since I'm a native speaker of english but she gave me credit anyway. I was kind of disappointed. I mean, I hate taking those experiments but I wanted to talk to her about psychology and getting the degree and the types of things I should to get into grad school or something. But, eh, maybe next time. I think I really need some kind of guide to tell my what to do. I get good grades but I'm pretty sure that means almost nothing.

In other news, Xab's other family is coming to the States from the Philippines. Yes, he has two families. He's adopted really... kind of... or smuggled. I don't know. So I've been anxious about meeting his real parents. And eh, that's all. I think I'll go do some push-ups and sit ups. I haven't done any strenuous exercise in such a long time that I think I'm going to have muscle atrophy soon.

Friend-phobia

I fear friends. And that's really strange because as a human, we're suppose to want social connections. I want it, too. Then I freak out when I get new friends. I'm always kicking myself for not being warm and sociable, for not being upfront. But when people get close to me I become... weird. At first, I distance myself, exploring the metaphorical ground that my new friend and I stand on. Of course, they probably don't like me as much since I'm always withdrawn and quiet. Then I tell myself to be myself, be interesting, open up. So I do. And I feel that when I do open up, I open too much. I say things that I shouldn't say. I'm sure it's not true. It's just what I feel. Then I start kicking myself for being too open, for letting them get to know the 'real' me. I think I scare them off. So I distance myself again. Repeat the cycle. I think I do this even with my old high school friends and even with Xab.

I'm starting to regret becoming so close with my future roommates. They're really good people. But I feel as if it's bound to go wrong. The whole friendship and living situation. Everyone else is optimistic about our living arrangement, even jealous since it appears that we always have fun together. Maybe I'm just exaggerating the prospects of future problems. Of course there are going to be problems. Maybe I'm focusing on them too much. I just feel like it was bad to get so close to them so quickly. It always happens. I get too close to people and then I screw up somewhere along the line. And then everything just gets bad. I'm more worried this time because if I screw up, I am living with them. I think what I am more worried about though is the fact that three good friends might just become just roommates to me.

Eh, it's probably just the lack of sleep talking. Do you know the feeling of pieces of metal screeching against each other as they try to slide past each other but they can't because they're being pushed too hard against each other? I really don't know either but my brain feels like that right now. The fact that I'm so tired but I'm at that point the metal is at a halt and nothing can be done until well... the metal falls apart. My stomach feels like that after I eat dorm food, too. The whole screeching bit.

5/30/2002 12:05:16 PM

The sun is up...

...and I don't want to be awake. But I can't sleep. Oh gosh.

5/30/2002 03:54:30 AM

Feeling the Rising Sun...

is a bad thing. I think I'm going to see it this morning. It's almost four o'clock. I have a class in five hours. I keep telling myself to go to sleep but I can't. I accidently took a two-nap around around 8.. or 9. I can't remember. And now I can't sleep. I hate that. Just a measly two hours is throwing me off schedule for 6 hours.

I'm starting to debate whether I should show up to class anyway. I'll probably be terribly drowsy. I have enough problems staying awake in that class already. But we'll see. Maybe I don't need sleep. I don't feel tired but I think my eyes are just tired of being open.

It isn't so bad staying up late. I've done it before. But I like it more when I do it willingly rather than someone not letting me sleep. NO! I have to sleep! I like sleep. Cal, go to sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep.

blank mind

I don't have a blank mind right now. I just don't know what to say. Posting in this journal used to be a lot easier since I would write about mindless, unimportant matters but now that I feel like writing more seriously, I'm more conscious of what to write, how to write, how I should convey myself. That's probably why I haven't been posting lately. I guess if I don't feel like posting everyday, every other day is good enough for me. No one is pushing me. I just want to write about meaningful things. Or just whatever I want to write about. Heh, that's funny. Once I pick up a pen or put my fingers on the keyboard, I just start writing words, instead of the empty thought I had in my head. I think my life is just a little out of order right now. I'm not in a crisis or anything. I'm just too busy to stop and think about things or to recollect on my day. My days don't even end. They just blend right into the next day. Of course, I sleep for a few hours after the start of the next day. It's not like I have forced insomnia again (thank God). I just feel all out of order... but not. I think it's because the summer is coming up. The end of the school and the start of summer is an abrupt rapid change of phase. Suddenly I'm out of school and back at home doing chores, being suffocated my family and annoyed my brother (not that it's a horrible thing.) I'm fearing going home for the summer. I better get used to things down there really quick because for three months, I'm not going to have a haven to hide in when family gatherings roll around. I'll be fine though. Everything always works out.

phone conversations

Xab's Sister: Hello?
Me: Hi.
Xab's Sister: How are you?
Me: I'm good. How about you?
Xab's Sister: Me, too. Uh, who is this?
Me: Oh, it's me, Cal.
Xab's Sister: Oh, didn't recognize your voice. How's college going?
Me: It's alright.
Xab's Sister: What's your major?
Me: Psych and maybe political science.
Xab's Sister: Ooh, I heard that people who become psychologists become crazy themselves. Are you going to be one of those crazy people?
Me: I think I'm already crazy. After all, I am going out with your brother.
Xab's Sister: Yeah. That's pretty crazy.

(from an accidental phone conversation with Xab's sister.)

Xab and I spend a lot of time (maybe too much time) talking on the phone. I wish we didn't. I feel like we waste so much time. (Although when we hang up, we'll probably just talk to each other through instant messaging, dangit.) I think we could spend more time doing more productive things but maybe next year. This past school year has been very rocky and sometime we didn't have anyone but each other, even when we broke up and everything. Next year, I hope we're more adjusted so that we can do more things other than talking and chatting with each other. It's not like I don't like talking with Xab but right now I think school has to come first.

Anyway, Xab and I talk so much on the phone. He walks around his house with a phone connected to his ear, sometimes appearing to talk to himself. He must have got odd stares from his sister and grandma at first but I guess they're used to it now. I wonder if they think I'm part of the family now. I'm kind of there. Audio-ly. (I don't know the adjective form of that word - if it exists.)

I wonder what will happen next year. I hope we're busy enough that we don't have time to talk to each other everyday. I know that would stink but I think I'll annoy my roommates (I'll have three instead of one this time) if I'm always on the phone. I worry sometimes. I know I should be doing more around the school. More extra-curricular, build-your-resume, gain experience type of things. I want to go to grad school. But I get worried. I don't want to feel like I have to abandon everyone else to pursue my ambitions.

And my ambitions. I know what they are. I just don't know how to get there. I need a mentor.