Ya-hoo!

No, not the search engine. Whoo-hoo!! I'm done with my final exams and my first year of college. I'd celebrate more but I don't think I did that well. Dangit. Oh well. I survived. That's something to be proud of.

It's hard to believe that I'm going to be leaving my roommate-less, beloved single room. It makes me sad. I like this room. No roommate. No brother. No parents. No one to bother me really. It's like having my own little house.

Anyway, I'm too busy celebrating to make a decent entry. Maybe later. Ahahaha. Whee!

sickly brother

I talked to my mom online today. She said that she and my brother went to the hospital today because he had an asthma attack. It's really hard on everyone when he gets sick. Sometimes he gets hospitalized, sometimes he doesn't. The whole time he's just a pain in the neck and everyone is just stressed out that no one wants to be around each other. It's really hard, looking at him when he can't breathe, when he's suffereing and at the same time, he's cussing you out.

But I understand. He's cranky when he's sick. He thinks he's fine. He doesn't understand why I look serious and why mom is crying. He just wants everyone to leave him alone.

I was upset that he had to get sick around the time of my home-coming. I don't want to deal with it. No one wants to deal with illness, hospitals and gloomy doctors. But I'm looking at it in another way. At least I'm going to be home soon. I can help ease the burden, distribute the stress, share and lighten the load.

6/11/2002 01:11:36 AM

looking into a dark future

Contrary to what people who know me believe, I do wonder about my future. When my friends found out that Xab and I have been together for so long, they immediately began planning my wedding and naming my children. Of course, I protested against it, denying that I would marry him. "Goodness! I'm 18 years old! I'm not thinking about getting married!" But at night, when I talk to Xab, we sometimes wonder about it. If we were married, if we had children ten years from now, the kind of house we would get, who would cook, who burn things in the kitchen. Of course, we're being naive. Ten years is a lot of room for many things to happen so we don't take it seriously but it's fun to wonder about the future (sometimes dangerous).

I think about kids. Every girl does, probably. Sometimes, I think about kids so much that I can sometimes see him. Haha, it's silly. I plan on not having kids for a long time. In fact, the thought of it terrifies me and it probably will even when I ever become ready to become a parent. But I can imagine him laughing and playing. He would be very happy in a nice, perfect world. That's what everyone wants for their children it seems.

But with everything that's happening in the world, everything that has happened and figuring that everything just gets a little bit worse... is that nice, perfect world going to exist? I really don't think so. Makes me wonder.

I feel stupid. For typing this entry. Ever since I banned Xab from reading this, I feel free to write whatever I want but I don't know how much of myself to disclose. I suppose anything and everything I wish. No one will know me. It's just weird but I'll get used to it.

rumor-spreading and eager wishful thinking

Try this. If you live in a dorm where cable TV or regular TV for that matter, is not a luxury, start a rumor about how President Bush was impeached. My friends and I tried when we figured that we were the only ones around today and some of our other friends went out. When they came back we said "hey, did you hear?? Oh my gosh, I can't believe you missed it!" And then explain to them how President Bush was impeached for something about foreign policy issues.

They looked at us with disbelief but excitement at the same time. "Are you serious? You're lying! No, you're not!" I'm a prankster but that was probably one of the best ones I managed to pull with my friends. One of them even started calling their friends up with the 'news' and the other went on CNN.com to confirm it.

Of course, they were upset when they figured out that it was a lie but it was amazing to watch how easily people wanted to believe it. It tells you something doesn't it?

6/9/2002 04:46:45 PM

Unchained

I've had a lot of realizations this week. One of them is that I really like my online journal. I'm more compelled to write everyday unlike when I attempted a handwritten journal. It would get lost under the heaps of other unwritten journals never to be touched again (unless I needed scratch paper.) This is probably the longest journal I've ever kept. Maybe the reason is that I have the illusion that people are reading it, a motivation to write (of course, with sitemeter, I know that most people usually come through but never return, haha, but that's fine) and that no one important (like my mom who found my 6th grade journal) will find it.

But that wasn't entirely true. Xab, my boyfriend and my best friend, knows about my journal. For a while it didn't bother me but there's so many things I want to write, I want to say, but I couldn't knowing that he would read it. Even though he is my best friend and there is no one else in the world that knows me as well as he does, I still have things to hide, things that I want to speak.

So as of last night, I banned him from my journal. I don't planning on moving urls because he could easily find it again if he wanted to and that would be pointless. I only have his promise that he won't read it unless I want him to. He understood completely, which I thought was really cool. He wants me to have my privacy even though the whole world but him is allowed to read my journal. The world doesn't care. Only he does. That's what matters.

Magic Mountain

I ditched the last two days of class for my freshman year. I still feel kind of bad for doing that since I'm the nerd who's always winning the perfect attendance awards in grade school but Xab and I really wanted to go to Magic Mountain during the spring but the trip had to be postponed many times for different reasons. We ended up going a few days ago, on a Thursday. Why couldn't I wait until the weekend? Long lines, basically.

It was pretty fun. Spending the whole day with him, riding roller coasters, suffering together under the blistering sun. It was fun being alone with him. The other times I went to Six Flags was with my coward-like friends. They aren't the best people to take to rollercoaster parks because you can't beg them unto a ride even if it meant the end of the world. Made me wonder why they came anyway. The other times I went was with my cousins who are extreme rollercoaster riders. Once they unboard off one rollercoaster they're already standing in line in the next one. I like that but I need some time to stop my head from spinning and to reorient myself to the ground. Xab pretty much just let me lead him around since I was more familiar with the park and the rides.

We didn't get to try the new rides, X and Deja Vu. X was closed for maintenance and by the time we found Deja Vu, our brains had had it and we decided to go home. Xab really enjoyed Goliath. The second time I rode, I was a little freaked. During the 255-foot drop toward the earth, I felt my seat guard unlatched on me a few notches. So most of the the ride, I was bracing the seat for dear life, believing that seat guard was going to unlatch again and I would fall out. I also blacked out during that ride. Too much gravity. That and it was way too hot.

I wanted to spend the entire day there but by 5 we ran out of things to do and instead of re-riding all the rides we decided that our brains were too rattled for anymore. (Especially after that horrible Psyclone ride. Don't ride that. It's the most painful ride ever.)

One night together

After the trip to Magic Mountain, we headed back to my dorm. Xab spent the night. My friends were a little disturbed that I would let a guy sleep in the same room as me, not just any guy but my boyfriend. It kind of upset me because they should know that we wouldn't do anything. I'm traditional in some manners. I'm saving myself for marriage. That, and I'm just not ready. Most of the time I have the mentality of an eight year old.

Anyway, I didn't do anything exciting that night. I fell asleep. Xab said he watched me for about an hour before I woke up. He said that I'm very irritable when I'm sleeping. He was disappointed that I slept facing away from him (but I had to, I need air) and that when he wanted to pull me close to him I would push away and groan. Even in my sleep, I'm unromantic.

It was strange waking up next to someone. Unalone. He even felt that too. He woke up believing that I wasn't there but when he turned and saw me he was ecstatic so he kissed me. Then he said that was another time I got irritated and pushed him away.

He also has funny hair in the morning. It's stands up. I was amused. If I marry him, I get to be amused everytime I wake up.

Late-night debates

For a while, Xab and I have been spending our late night conversations debating about everything and anything wrong in the world. Most of the time, I feel as if I won or he let me win but it's understandable since I'm a little more educated about political and social issues. We have different areas of interest. He's more interested in hard sciences. 2 + 2 = 4. No room for BSing. I can't stand math. It's just too narrow and direct for me. There is a set of ways to solve a problem. That's why I almost failed high school chemistry. I was too creative with my solutions and the teacher wanted me to show my work in her style even though I'd always get the same answer anyway.

Since I've been learning alot about the world, learning about what's wrong and what needs to be 'fixed', I've been hyped. I want to do something about it. But everytime I tell Xab about it, share my excitement with him, tell him what I think I can do, he doesn't really get excited with me. I got annoyed. There are so many people in the world that just don't do anything. They take but they don't give and I realized that you really can't do that in this world. There is not enough of anything to go around. And then they complain. They don't do anything. They don't vote or help out or anything. Those people annoy me. And Xab, I thought, was becoming one of those people. So we started debating about that.

But he still feels set that he just doesn't have the opportunity to do anything. His school isn't that.. active, I guess. Anyway, I'm tired of writing. The joys of my journal not being an essay. I can end whenever I want. Anyway, I wrote four entries in a row. I think that's enough for now. Time to start studying for those dang final exams.