I had a crappy day today for the most part. It had it's moments but eh. I think it was the weather. It was too hot. I kept getting into these stupid little arguments with Xab, which is odd for us, because we rarely fight. I blame it on the weather but I think he's hiding something from me. I'm not pressing him to tell me though. I don't feel like knowing and he doesn't want to tell me so I'll just leave it at that. I think it deals with how I didn't want to see his family today. I guess that is unfair.

Today we went to a wedding reception which was held that at the nastiest Filipino restaurant I have ever been to. It takes you right back to the Philippines, the loud talking, the karaoke. But the food was gross. We ended up eating three bowls of ice cream and about a dozen pieces of lumpia just fill our stomachs. The groom was my godbrother, so being non-relative, I didn't really know anyone. I'm guessing the groom's family didn't really know anyone either since they kept following us around. Everyone must have been related to the bride.

It was interesting. When we lived in Japan, where we met my godbrother and his family, we had a friend named Mr. Sasaki or Sasaki-san as we like to call him. It's said he gave me my first toy and he spends his time between Japan, America and the Philippines (and between relationships with different women, even though he must be at least 70 years old by now). Anyway, he sometimes speak in some weird combination of Japanese, English and Tagalog. It's interesting but I can't understand anything he says when he talks like that. Anyway, he was the one that caught the bride's garter. Everyone had a big laugh.

Anyway, later one we went bowling with my two cousins, my bro and Xab's niece. I guess I should have stopped by his bro's house and said hi but I didn't really think about it. I was too eager to get rid of my cousins because I was running low on funds and patience. I should have known.

In other news, I ran into an interesting quote in Jose Rizal's Noli Me Tangere: "The field is not ready for sowing; it is full of weeds." Applies to the Philippines under Spanish rule, but also for today. Time to start gardening.

Beach Bum

I think I'm going to become a beach bum. I went to the beach today with my friends for a simple bonfire/barbecue gathering. It was more fun that I thought it could be. I'm not really a beach person. I hate the sand and how it just gets everywhere, my hair, my nails, my food. But I love the water and the fire. We were wading in the water with our long pants rolled up, no extra clothes in the car. After a while we couldn't resist and just ran into the water. I kinda regretted that I didn't bring any extra clothes or that I don't even know how to swim but it was fun just standing in waste high water watching my other two non-swimmer friends not drown.

"We're doing this again, right?? We're coming back here right? Can we do this again?" I was already saying even though it was barely time to go. Next time I think we should be more prepared. More wood. More clothes. More shade. More stuff to play with like kites and frisbees.

My mom got a little anal that I'm always galabanting (but I only go out once a week). But I made a deal with her. I'm going to a wedding tomorrow. ugh.

Aliens from Outer Space

Today in the Tagalog class, we watched a video about aliens. It was called, "The Filipino American: An Ethnic Profile." But it seemed like a documentary on an exotic insect or something. Well, more like aliens. The Filipinos in the video only had to say "We come in peace" to make it a complete sci-fi movie. It was amusing. They asked Filipinos about their customs and traditions and "What can we expect from the Filipino student in the classroom?" As if the Filipino student is no more human than the typical white American.

But it was nothing to get worked up about. I'm guessing by the hairstyles that the video was filmed back in the 60s or 70s... probably when Filipino wasn't really a household word. Anyway, it was amusing to say the least. It pointed out things that I thought were standard in America. I learned that it's not a standard.... like giving food to visitors when they're going home, taking care of parents when they age, living with in a house with three different generations. The trend in America is to send your parents to spend the rest of their lives and die in a sad, lonely retirement home.

Also in the video was the ever popular Tagalog proverb (which is also drilled to us by our teacher): Ang hindi marunong lumingon sa pinanggalingan ay hindi makakarating sa pinaroroonan. or "Those who don't know how to look at his origin will not reach his destination." Surprisingly, I've never heard this before taking this class. Actually, I might have heard it from Xab when he was going through another phase in his identity crisis. Despite how overused it is, or how people may not like it for it being said too many times, I like it.

Foreign Languages

"You know," I said to Xab as we were driving to class. "When I hear my family talking about how I'm learning Tagalog, it seems as if it's not their language." And it isn't. Their language is Ilocano. They just happened to learn Tagalog because it became the official language of the Philippines in the 1940s.

Xab just nods, having an identity crisis, he never knows what to say when I'm talking about cultural identity crisis. It was odd when I discovered that. I thought that they 'owned' both Tagalog and Ilocano, masters of both dialects, but they prefer Ilocano. When I was chauffering my grandma around the city people would speak to her in Tagalog and I don't know. It seemed as if she were slow to respond, that the Tagalog words she was speaking was unnatural. Even with my mom, when I'm asking her for help, she would be slow to answer my questions. But still I am amazed. They are all fluent in three different languages while I have only 'mastered' one.

"It feels like I'm just learning something like Japanese or Spanish again. I have no tie to it." Again, Xab just says nothing. Its odd when I talk about things like this. I feel like what I say is nonsense because he never responds but I think the only reason that he says nothing is because he just doesn't know what to say. He is more confused than I am. But it's no big deal. I'm having fun learning Tagalog.

Aiming

"Do you think I'm aiming too high?"

"For what?" Xab inquires.

"My goals- my ambitions. Do you think they're too high?" Sometimes I think I'm full of myself for all my goals. I want to be like my professors... who have gone to grad school, travelled the world, help out with children, hold down a family, and they're still not done yet. I want a life like that. Making progress in the world. But sometimes, I don't think I'll get that life because I don't I try hard enough or I don't even know how to start. After college, I at least hope to be in grad school. I want a PhD. Sometimes I think I just want to go to grad school for the extra five or seven years to figure out what I'm going to do.

"Nope," he replies. "Not too high. And if not, they're too low."

One more song

Becuase Xab and I had a bad day yesterday, we decided to take five minutes on the way home from school to just... hold each other. Usually, we say just five minutes but it was pleasant. Just hugging each other. Just being next to each other.

"Let's go now. It's been five minutes."

"One more song," I complained and relaxed back into his arms.

Of course as irony would have it, the next song they play is Clapton's Tears in Heaven after the radio host reads a dedication from a listener whose best friend was tragically killed by a drunk driver. The radio host even broke into tears while reading the dedication, not that it was an especially poetic, heart-wrenching dedication. It was fairly simple actually. I think it's just the thought of losing someone really close... permanently losing them. Losing them for a very long time.

It was a bit... brutal to our little break from reality. But it's real. We held each other closer. I've always had paranoias that one day I would wake up and someone would be missing in my life and it would terrify me, and when I finally get over those fears they come back... as reminders, warnings. But I suppose that's just the way it is. Sometimes accidents just happen. You can prevent somethings but you can't stop everything. Hopefully nothing will happen. I hope I'm not just jinxing myself by writing all this. I'm not superstitious but, heh, maybe whatever fates are out there are going to bite me in the butt for ignoring them. Anyway, maybe it's better that we have reminders... so we won't forgot to cherish those who we sometimes take for granted.

Filipinania

Today I asked Xab to take me to the non-local library just to "check it out." But I really wanted to go because they had Filipino-related books I wanted to read. Like Noli Me Tangere. My mom read it when she was in school. She says it's boring, but of course reading anything in high school was boring. The book started a revolution so it must be interesting. There are other books there that I found. Even a bilingual tagalog-english children's book that could probably help me with my struggles with Tagalog.

I was a little reluctant when I got to the library. I didn't want to search for the books while Xab was there. I don't feel ashamed. I think I just feel scared. I don't want people taking me the wrong way. I am interested in my heritage. It's not just a trend, or a fetish, or a phase. I want to know. But I don't think people will see it that way. Especially with Xab. I think he's a little intimidated by my slow but sure cultural awakening. I don't know what his problem is though. I talk about it a lot but I'm not try to press him into seeing things my way or into reading the same things that I read. But he seems exasperated or annoyed or intimidated.

Sometimes I get annoyed with him, too, when it comes to these issues. Like my brother. My brother is younger though. I hope he really doesn't know half the things he says, or at least he doesn't mean it. He just likes to run his mouth. My brother likes being "anti-Filipino" while Xab almost seems to deny his background, even though the both of them were both born in the Philippines. Xab was raised there the first few years of his life. My brother I can understand. I blame it on ignorance and his age. Xab, though. I think he's ashamed. But I guess it's harder for him. He doesn't look Filipino and not only that, upon coming to the states he was forced to carry an American last name which he still has today. I guess he's just one mass of confusion.