Space, at last

It's been one long week. Finally I have the time and the privacy to whine about the stresses that reared their ugly heads into my life. First off, about a week ago, my flatmate (I like saying that even though I've nothing to do with speaking like British folks) and I freaked out when my roommate suddenly disappeared for four hours. We tried her cell phone several times, left a couple of text messages to find out if she was okay. She only sent back two messages that didn't really sound like she wrote. Anyway, she comes back around 11:00 with our guy friend who really lives in our apartment. It turns out that they were on a date. No big shocker there. He's been chasing her ever since school started, spent every single day at our apartment. Now, that he's her boyfriend I think he's overstayed the welcome.

What I really can't stand is how they make out in front of me. She gives out this innocent yet inviting laugh and he chases her around, hugging her, tickling her, kissing her. It's really gross. I couldn't stand PDA before and I certainly can't stand it when it's in my bedroom. Freaking gross.

"Do you have to do that in front of me?" I demanded one day.

I don't remember his exact words, but it was something like "We act like that in front of you guys because it's fun to see you freak out." What a great reason to kiss your new girlfriend, because it pisses off her roommates. Wow. Ain't that genius? It also bothers me that he just got dumped by his ex girlfriend 'early september' although 'early september' was really just last month. And they've only been together a week and already sucking each other's faces. I don't know. Sometimes it feels like he's going out with her not only because he gets to have a girlfriend again but also because he has the power to torture us.

"Don't react," Xab advised. I'll be honest, I'm almost hoping for the demise of this relationship. I can't stand them being together. I just get this weird vibe thinking about it. She's not just my roommate, she's my friend. But I try to not to react when I hear smooching noises while they're sitting next to me and I'm reading my poli-sci book. Jeez, have a little dignity. Affection is meant to be shared between two people but not for viewing displeasure of everyone else.

My rule used to be 'stay out of my peripheral vision.' But I think I'm gonna have to talk to her and make it 'keep it out of the same room I'm in.'

----

I patched things up with Xab. Things have been strained since we're starting to lack communication. But we've remedied that. We try to talk more, whether it's online or on the phone. On Monday, he actually showed up at my door. It's actually quite funny. That weekend I was dragged along to watch The Ring. I really thought it was corny, but I admit I was a little creeped out. So Monday morning, I was sitting all alone in front of the computer trying to flood out my paranoid thoughts, hoping the phone wouldn't ring or the TV wouldn't switch on randomly. Worse. The doorbell rings. At first I try to pretend that I didn't hear it. But the doorbell keeps going. So I get up and walk to the door, thinking that it's probably the neighbor. I start to open the door and realize that the neighbor never doorbells. She knocks. I peer out and someone standing in a black cloak and a Scream mask is standing there.

Calmly and dumbfoundly, I say "Oh... hello." For about two seconds I thought I went out of my mind. I quickly decide if I should shut the door, grab the phone and get the baseball bat (which my roommate brought for this kind of situation), then I looked down and recognized Xab's shoes.

"Oh.. it's you.. Xab? Xab... come on."

He stands there for about another second and eventually gives in. What a nice surprise. For the next few minutes, I was trying to settle down my heartbeat. It just shows that it's possible for me to be half-way terrified and calm at the same time.

----

I'm not allowed to speak to my brother about what he did. Actually I was first not even allowed to speak to him but I just talked to him about unimportant stuff. It turns out that whoever was driving the car crashed the right side of the car and one of the lights is hanging out. My brother doesn't want to give up their phone numbers.

My mom went to the school and talked to the counselor and also signed up for family therapy. That's a relief. If that wasn't a scream for help then I don't know what is.

Hmm, well that's all for today. I feel like I could say more but I'm tired of writing for now.

Idiot Cops

Today, I learned that cops are quite possibly the most useless people on earth. Xab told me the most bizarre story today. Well, first, they found my brother. He and his two friends took off to the mall in my dad’s car. No one knew what to do, so I convinced Xab to call the police. I even told him that he should report the car stolen, because cops pay more attention to stolen cars than missing people. He drove to the police station since there is one just around the block from my house. From what Xab tells me this is what the conversation was like:

“My girlfriend’s brother and his took friends took a car and ran away. They’re only thirteen years old.”

“So… what do you want me to do about it?”

“........................Maybe you can radio the police cars so that they can keep a look out for the car and help us find them.”

“Oh yeah sure. I’ll tell the cops and they’ll chase after the car and pull out their guns and point it at them so you can get the car back.”

“.................................They’re only 13 years old.”

“Yeah, but you know how kids are today.”

Isn’t that the most bizarre thing you can ever hear? Three kids are missing, driving a car, and they don’t give a fuck. Maybe the whole damn country is on a terrorist alert that they can’t even help find missing kids. *gasp*
But my brother is safe. Everyone was a little screwy in the head today. Maybe there was some brain affecting bug flying around my hometown. My brother has some pent up emotional baggage though. When my uncle found them, they tried to outrun him, but my uncle cornered them so the two boys took off. Being disabled, my brother couldn’t get away. He started going on about why he was born the way he is and that he is a stupid boy because his mom and his sister keep saying that he is stupid.

That tore right through me when my mom told me. And it’s true. I know I haven’t been understanding and sensitive with him lately. There’s been a lot of tension between us. Hopefully today was only a sign to get things together. Thank God, I said when I heard they found him. Thank God. Each time my phone rang, I thought of not picking it up just to not hear possible bad news.

As for the whole police situation (Xab actually tried the police three times), I’m going to see that they hear my angry voice. Give up on the youth and you might as well kill yourself now. We are your future.

10/24/2002 05:49:07 PM

Cars and Missing Children

My brother has turned up missing. I don’t know what to do, or think. Apparently, a few hours ago, Xab was suppose to pick up my brother from school but my brother called and said that he didn’t need a ride. I told him to call my house to make sure that he was home. No one was home. So I called my mom’s work and asked her where my brother is supposed to be. She freaked out and Xab went to go check my house. It turns out that my neighbor saw my brother, his friend and a third person get into my dad’s car and drive away. Right now, they’re looking all over the city for them. I tried to convince Xab to call the police. I thought if the police would be alerted to a missing car with underage drivers they could help keep a look out for them. I even told Xab to say that my brother was an asthmatic so they would think it is more of an emergency. But for God’s sake, they’re underage drivers and missing, that should be reason enough.

All they did was give Xab a phone number so that he could report the car as stolen. What the fuck is that?? I told Xab that they should just report the car stolen. Maybe cops pay more attention to missing cars rather than missing children. He and my uncle said that it wouldn’t be worth it, “it would be too much of a hassle,” because if the car was found, it would be impounded and we’d have to pay for the towing and blah blah. “It would be too much of a hassle.” “What about my brother?!” I was almost screaming at him. I just don’t understand why everyone is screwing up. Why didn’t Xab question why my brother didn’t need a ride? Why didn’t the neighbor stop them? Why is the police full of crap? Why isn’t my family pushing the police to do their damn jobs???

I thought of the worst thing that can happen, and I just don’t know what I’m going to do if it does happen. All I can do is sit here, 89 miles away, and worry and get angry.

Uncertainty

One of the more scarier parts in life, or at least in my own, is uncertainty. That dark, seemingly endless void where you really don’t know what is going to happen next or when something is going to happen. I dislike being in those positions. It feels like nothing is in my control but at the same thing everything is going to depend on what I do.

It feels like my relationship with Xab is straining. Long-distance has really gone long-distance. I really don’t know what happened. It’s as if we slowly came to having nothing to say to each other. I don’t think we’re running out of things to say. One thing is that I can’t find the time or the privacy to talk to him. And I feel that I’m tiring of waiting for him to get everything together. I’m sick of holding his hand and waiting for him to figure everything out. I know that’s not fair to say because I’m probably as confused and lost as he is but he wallows in it. I just want to yell “Get it together!” I’m growing bored of this.

I’m not really thinking about terminating everything, because I’m pretty sure we’ll just end up running back to each other in a couple months. Makes me wonder if that’s really healthy.

I don’t know what’s going on. Hopefully we’re both just having bad weeks. It feels like the love died. I just don’t know. There’s a knot in my stomach but I don’t really care about it. “You have to want to make it work out,” a friend once told me. Right now, that sounds uncomprehendable to me.