Wolfpack

I was getting along with my brother and Xab today. We were hanging out in my room just talking, trying really hard to get along. It was working for a while. I was playing with my Sega Saturn gun, twirling it around my hand and then suddenly got the urge to play Virtua Cop. I'm not so at shooting games although I really don't know if that's a good thing. Anyway, I plug in the Saturn and it's dead. A week ago my brother lent it to his friend (the same one that crashed our car) and now coincidentally, it just doesn't work anymore. It really pissed me off. I was almost at the point of the tears. I know it's just video games but I almost was obsessed with that contraption (thank god I'm not that bad anymore because I have better things to do) but it had sentimental value and value nonetheless. It was the only system that didn't break down on us after two years. And I'm just sick of this kid ruining everything that belongs to me. My car (although it's not really my car anymore) and my Saturn. Dammit, my parents got me that Saturn for Christmas too. He also took a game, or rather he didn't return it. Which game? Shining Force III. If you know, you'll understand how I was obsessed with that game.

I urged my brother to tell my mom this kid's phone number so that she could talk to his mom. I don't know why I feel she should do that. I don't want her asking money for the car or the Saturn (although that would be nice of her to take responsibility of her son) but if her son is the way he, he probably is so because of his parents. A very big judgemental hunch, but I don't think it's too far off. I just think his parents should know.

I just can't believe my brother. After they go joy riding and screw up the car, wreck stuff we paid for, he's still friends with him. I understand somewhat. He's young and too forgiving but jeez, can't he learn at least a little?

11/2/2002 01:46:44 PM

Lullaby

Lately, my musical interests have turned back to Filipino music. Sometimes, I download Tagalog songs because I like testing how much I can understand, but each time I'm disappointed. I also like listening to it because it's a nice feeling that no one else around me knows what the heck I'm listening to.

Anyway, I also started downloading Ilocano music. It sometimes feels kind of strange listening to it because even though I almost understand nothing from these songs I feel connected. I grew up with Ilocano words around me and actually hearing them in songs, hearing their phrases in songs, brings back kind of a nostalgia, even though there isn't anything to be nostalgic about.

Actually, I was downloading some random songs and then playing them randomly and one song struck a chord with me. I found myself almost unconsciously playing the song over and over again. I realized it was familiar, not because it was Ilocano, because I haevn't heard a lot of Ilocano songs in the past. It was familiar because I knew it. And at first, I didn't know why. It was starting to tick me off because I didn't know what it was. I was suspecting at first that it was an Ilocano version of some Christmas carol but I tried picture English words with the melody but nothing fit.

Finally it came to me. Forgotten memories. I sang the song in my head, by itself, without the music. My mom used to put my brother to sleep singing the same lullaby. It's amazing how I could forget that. I know it's not important. Just like finding a long lost toy after many years isn't really important. But that's the feeling I had when I finally remembered.

11/2/2002 01:31:49 PM

Midday Ramblings

I decided to come home again (even though I was home last weekend) because I couldn't stand my roommates. I'm not totally pissed off with them. I'm just finding my space and mental stability in danger. On Wednesday, my roommate's boyfriend was really starting to drive me nuts. I guess being in a relationship allows or almost requires obsessive behavior but it's getting sickening. It bugs how he's always near her. Wherever she goes, he goes. To the kitchen, to the living room, to our room. I was in a really bad mood and when I know I'm in a bad mood I spare other people by isolating myself so that I won't lash out at some innocent passerby. But jeez, he's always there. That and the whole making out in front of me bit. It drives me crazy. Bleh. At least I'm not the only one annoyed. Sometimes I think it's just me. And maybe it is. But I guess other people are different and don't mind displaying their affection in front of people even though it draws sour faces. I still think that affection should be shared between two people.

Anyway, my other roommate's sister came down to visit. She's pretty cool. It was bizarre to observe the same mannerisms between the sisters even though they're very different. Made me also realize how different everyone is. I was glad that at least one of my roommates was on the same wavelength as I. Roommate 1 and I seem to have opposite perceptions of reality. Well I don't really know. But we were having a conversation about who knows what - I forget. I was saying that there were a lot of things in the world, specifically in this country relating to the world that needed to be changed. "Things can be a lot better. Things can be different." She said "Well, things can also be a lot worse." She's right. Compared to other people in the world, we're rather lucky. But that's what I don't like about classroom lessons about other countries, or even other cities or neighborhoods. All they teach you is that you're lucky and they're not. Be grateful that you're lucky because you could have been one of them. What should the real lesson be about? Being happy about being lucky or about making change? "Well, if you just accept everything the way it is, it will get worse."

I'm also starting to think I need new friends. Not that the ones I have right now are bad. I just need to meet people. I'm tired of the bubble glitch area I live in. Everyone is caught up in nothing. Sometimes, when I talk, I sputter out ideas, I get crazy looks. Even from Xab. How comforting.

Mom's "Only Hope"

When my brother does something wrong, my mom always divides her attention among us. To my brother, she gives most of her attention, wanting to help him, knowing he needs her. In the back of her mind is me. She really thinks I'm going to make her super proud and that I really am her last hope. That scares me. I don't know what she wants me to do but I'm pretty sure it's different from all the recent crazy ideas I've been having. Maybe I can convince her that become a lifetime drone is nothing really to be proud of.

"Anak, you're my only hope." Screen fade to Star Wars: "You're the last hope young Skywalker." It used to not bother me before but this whole "last hope" bit has been making its appearance more often. My mom was never really a hardcore, traditional, honor-seeking Asian mom. She used to be pretty relaxed about my choices. She didn't put me too hard, and rarely gave me any direction, probably deciding that I always knew I would chose the 'right' path. But now, she's starting to freak me out.

It's all right though. She hasn't lashed a leash onto me to make sure that I'm really studying. She probably still trusts that I know better in this whole college bit. I hope she's right.

Dad

Today my dad came from being overseas for about a week. He called and asked my bro if I could pick him up with the car that they damaged. I was a little anxious about my dad coming home and finding out my brother's little joyriding story. I even thought of taking him and hiding him in my uncle's house while my dad learned what happened. But my mom took care of all that and told my dad what happened. My dad reacted rather well. I think we're all just tired of all the tension and decided not to drill common sense into my brother this time. They're hoping to work that out with a therapist. At least I hope. It's hypocritical, but I don't want to be dragged along in this family therapy bit. I'm a psych major and I should know how important it is for the whole family to show up, but I really don't want to go through it. Hopefully I don't count as family to the therapist since I'm never around. I don't want my parents finding out what kinda weirdo I really am. They have enough problems. They don't need to make one out of me.

Did I mention that I'm starting to hate school? I'm starting to doubt the whole 'education is important' bit. Getting educated is important but I'm not so sure about institutionalized education anymore. Drone factory. I don't want to be a drone. Sometimes, I really don't care. I'd go to college just for the heck of it - just to learn but there's pressure from my mom. If I really had things figured out I'd probably be off doing other things. But I don't so I'll just stick around. That, and I still feel compelled to compete in this stupid game of collecting A's and social contacts instead of gaining knowledge. I think I have to prove to myself that I can play this stupid game before I see some other reason for totally blowing off school. Weird. I can't explain. But for now, I guess I'm playing this game.