So my brother tried to kill me today. Literally. Well, almost. Everyday with him I come closer to the conclusion that he somehow went walking home (something he isn't supposed to do since he always has a ride home) and fell into an open sewage hole, which really is the porthole to some demon cave and was bitten by a rabid devil. Not just any old devil, a rabid devil.

He has this thing about allowing himself to become enraged so that he would become out of control. Further evidence that he was attacked by a rabid devil. He even tells me "Say something to piss me off so I can get mad." Like a bull and the color red. The smart thing for any sane person to do is not say anything to piss him off, not so you won't piss him off, just so you won't entertain one of his neurotic wishes. Today, I told him to leave my room. Nicely. Well, you can't really tell someone to get out of your room in a nice way but I tried. He just exploded. Well not really. He was trying to explode. Yelling and screaming and a forced angry manner. That rabid devil is quite funny sometimes. I don't know how to describe it. It's just funny. He forces himself to get mad. And he's rather proud of his short temper. You can see him actually enjoying the rage, even though it's probably manufactured.

Anyway, I slam the door shut and lock and he continues screaming on the other door. My mom comes out to see what's wrong. He goes screaming to the kitchen "Where's the knife?" like he's my f*cking dad or something. "Where's the belt?" Jackass. My brother, that is. My dad is another story. "Where's the knife?!?"

I guess my mom chased him to the kitchen and took the knife away from him. I was scared for a while, wondering if he would stab my mom while she tried to intervene. He's insane enough to do that. But he didn't do anything. Thank God. I crept out of my room and snuck a peak into the kitchen to see if everything was alright. He cowered at my glare for a moment and then started do his fake angry yell again.

Sometimes I wonder if I should walk away from him because it's only conditioning him into think that heis fake angry dumbass dance actually works. I'm tired of fighting with him though. I'm over 18. Wouldn't that be considered abuse? Might be kinda bad since he's in therapy and junk.

I think we got all the bugs out of the new computer. Good thing Xab knows what he's doing. My mom's happy that she can finally check her email after three days and my brother was wondering why the computer was suddenly faster (he didn't realize that we spent three days trying to get it to work. Dork.)

Nothing new today. A storm hit, or at least what southern Californians think is a storm. Pretty heavy rain though. Run. I haven't seen or hear hard rain in a while.

Christmas is nearing. Every year I become a bigger bah-humbug. I just dont' care anymore. I'll wrap the presents but I really don't care what's going on. My brother still insists that he believes in Santa even though he's almost 14 and he's just saying that so that my parents will get him something. (They dtopped giving us parents when we stopped believing, probably why I don't care anymore.) Maybe I think that Christmas should be more Christian instead of more capitalist. That's been said before.

Hmm, what else. My dad's home. No one really likes it when he's home which is kinda sad. I bet he doesn't really like being home either. He just shows up to make sure that the house he is rarely in is clean.

I IMed my roommate, in an attempt to get everything in the clear. I feel like she's changed a lot since we've moved into the same room. She didn't change because of me. She just changed. I wanted to talk to her about the whole boyfriend bit/living situation. Just to get everything out in the open, but I dunno. I felt disgusted all of a sudden at realizing how she's so different. A few months ago she would have understood me. Sometimes I think I'm talking a foreign language when I'm communicating with her. I'll try to talk to her some other time I guess.

Wow, it's hard to believe that it's been a year since I started this journal. Too bad it dwindled a bit during the last month. I've been busy. Now, I'm on vacation. Again. Just like last year. Also, it's my one year anniversary with Xab. We've been going out on and off for a few years but this is the first time we made it to one year without me freaking out about being close to someone and dumping him. As celebration we did nothing but treat is as ordinary day but our days usually aren't ordinary.

We finally finished building a new computer for my mom. We took out parts from her old computer (parts that are somewhat new since they had to be replaced after I broke them a few years back) It's not top of the line but it's pretty modern. I'm actually surprised that this piece of metal didn't explode yet. I can actually build a computer now.

Hmm, what else happened? My roommate situation isn't too bad. The boyfriend is always around but I guess it's just something I have to get used to. As for him always eating our food, I'm pulling out of the grocery bill and just going to fend for myself from now on. I'm probably going to starve. My uncle and auntie have been giving me cooking tips but I'm such an idiot when it comes to cooking. They say 'marinate' and I have no idea what they're talking about. I think I do but I'm not sure. Sometimes, they might as well be talking to me in Russian. I need everything spelled out when it comes to cooking. And sometimes cookbooks dont' really do that. Maybe I just make cooking harder than it really is.

Another reason why I am want to fend for myself is because I'm sick of 'American' food. I don't know if what my roommates eat is what typical Americans eat but man, I want my rice and chicken adobo.

My family is screwed up. I was out driving with my mom and she was telling me all the 'great' news about the family. For instance, before I came home, my brother and my dad got into a big fight and my mom was trying to stop them from fighting so my brother accidently hit her when she was trying to stop them. Nothing new there. My brother usually hits her. THen she was saying how my grandma wants to go back to the Philippines. She lives with my dad's sister down the street in a three bedroom house with another grandma and too grandkids as well as my uncle. I think the living arrangement has gone to hell. My mom's house on the other hand has four bedrooms and is usually occupied by 2 - 4 people at any given time. We could easily accomodate my grandma, but the thing is that my brother is insane. My mom doesn't want my grandma having heart attack after finding out what kind of horror she partly spawned. I don't blame my mom. Sometimes I think that's why she sent me away for college. I think it is the reason why she sent me away. I started crying after a while. I cry so fucking much. I was trying to ignore it, accept it, be nonchalant about it. I just started crying while my mom was driving.

She kept telling me that they were going to figure out the problem with my grandma and that they wouldn't send her back to the Philippines (because if they did, she probably wouldn't last with her medical problems). But it just wasn't my grandma. What about my mom? And my brother?

I told her that I felt bad for leaving for college. Everyone is having problems and I'm not there. I don't know why I should be around for everyone's problems. I don't know if my presence would even help. It's just a horrible feeling when you know your family is practically rotting in a hellhole and you're off somewhere else where your only problem is your roommate's annoying boyfriend.

Sometimes it's a sickening feeling. To know that you're better off. Sometimes, when they look at me, like my mom or my grandma, it seems like they think that everything in the world is alright. Just by looking at me. Sometimes Xab does that, too. It's hard to explain. They forget their problems. Or maybe they're hiding their problems. They don't want me knowing. They just want me to concentrate. That's what my mom said actually. She said that she shouldn't have told me anything and that all I need to do is just concentrate on studying. What's that gonna do if I finish college and I come back and half my family has gone nuts? Sometimes I think it's unfair for them, to hoard all the burdens so I can move on, but I don't what to do or think. Maybe I'm just thinking about it in a wrong way. Maybe I just shouldn't even think about it and just concentrate. Just minimize my life's problems to my roommate's annoying boyfriend.