I think the short bout of depression passed. I don't know what happened. I think all the loneliness and frustration with myself and the world just broke down last night. It's a good thing no one was here. That's probably another reason. No one was here. Except I like it when no one was here. Probably because I could cry since no one is around. Maybe I shouldn't be by myself all the time. I'll just start feeling sorry for myself and do nothing but cry all day. But I guess it passed. I did a lot of things this morning to keep myself distracted like cleaning other people's messes *grr*, doing the laundry, burning mass amounts of data onto CDs. Then I ran out of stuff to do and felt like jumping out of a window again.. so I started drawing. I really can't draw. Sometimes I think I can but I realize that most of my better scribbles are just accidents that can never be replicated. It's fine though. I mostly like to color but I can't draw so I can't color anything. I should invest in a coloring book.

So what happened? Xab was planning to visit me this weekend but his mom (who I think is bipolar) said no. I tried not to get my hopes up and I really didn't but when he told me he wasn't coming I was just mad. Not at him or his mom. Just at the situation. Why did I go so far away so that I can be half-dead during the week and semi alive on the weekends. Even on the weekends I feel dead. I feel trapped. I don't think I can be myself around the people. Everyone seems so fake. Not that they're fake. Just that they're in this mold... like a jello mold. My university is a drone factory... a cookie cutter factory. Everyone is becoming the same mindless beings. I'm just sick of playing this college game now. Tired of "it's who you know what not you know" scheme. That's not who I am. But I guess college is just a smaller version of life and wow, that's scary. Because if I'm having doubts in college and thinking about stopping half way through what am I supposed to do in life when I figure out that half way through I don't want to play anymore? Just stop playing? Throw myself out of a window?

I told Xab that it's better if he doesn't visit anyway because I would only see him for a few hours and I would just be happy for a few hours then we'd have to say goodbye and not see each other for a while again... and that's getting hard. I thought I'd get used to the routine by now but it just gets harder. It's better if I just skip out on the being happy and alive part and just go on being miserable, just so I'd be used to it, maybe better it. But how long can I pull this off?

It's a sad thing but I think the only two people that make me happy are Xab and my mom. My mom can make me smile except she's a little nuts right now so I don't really look to her if I want to be happy. She kinda depresses with all the stories about my brother. But when she's not talking about my brother, I can smile. We can laugh. We can be happy. But she rarely talks about anything else other than my brother.

1/18/2003 12:25:53 AM

Man, I'm so fucking depressed right now. I'd throw myself out of a window only if I could find a window high enough to end my misery but they don't build tall buildings around here apparently. I just realized that my life is an endless fucked up cycle of misery and that I only live one weekend at a time. I can't live everyday. I'm half dead most of the time and I'm so tired of it. I really can't remember the last time I really smiled or I really laughed or one month where I have gone without crying because my brother is an asshole or because my mom is slowly going nuts. I can't remember. Oh, my head hurts so much.