testing

new quarter blues

during the last few days of my short spring break, i was overcome with bouts of deep anxiety. i could feel my heart pounding intensely inside my chest and even though i tried to ignore it and not acknowledge it as anxiety, nothing could stop it. i tried to slow my breathing to counteract my racing heart but it didn't help. nothing helped, except talking. about anything. just so long as i was talking or listening, something to distract me from my internal malfunctioning. i didn't know what it was. i was beginning to think that i was going to start having panic attacks.

then as i hopped into my car, said goodbye to my brother and told him to be good, loaded my crap into my car with xab's help, waved goodbye, tears began to fall. it's my sixth quarter of college and at the beginning of each quarter i just have to cry. it seems like something pathetic. i know. it's worse every quarter. the fact that i can't get accustomed to coming and going like other people though. that i don't want to stay home; and i don't want to be away.

i sped off before xab could see me cry. and then all my anxiety left. as if the only thing i were dreading was the goodbye. but it seemed like so much more. i didn't want to leave my mom alone with my brother, i didn't want to leave my brother alone unguided, i didn't want to leave xab alone period. but as soon as i started the engine, and pulled the car into reverse and drove off, it all left. as soon as i realized that i was alone, the anxiety just disappeared.

i don't want to stay home and i don't want to be away. maybe my happiness spot is on the freeway. i know what i'm suppose to be doing when i'm driving. i'm suppose to get from point a to point b. there's none of the confusion of where am i going with my life or why is my brother a jackass or was it wrong that i left home for college? it's just driving. everything makes sense.