the reason i haven't been posting as much is because i started another blog that my friends have access to. the problem was that i don't think i'm ready to show myself to some of them. i try not to discuss my personal problems too much but sometimes i get weird reactions like "wow, and i thought my problems were big. mine are incomparable to yours." and i just feel this urge to scream "aghh! i'm not that person whose doomed with irresolvable problems! i'm not here to make you feel lucky." I don't want their sympathy. or i mention the word 'racism' or something like that and some of them would say "umm... maybe it's just in your imagination...?" I just wonder if they've been alive the past 19 or 20 years or if they're still sleeping and watching the idiot box. strangely, the friends i'm talking about do spend massive amounts of time in from the television.

i feel more alien among my 'friends' than i should be. and i really can't talk about shit like this on my other blog.. because they'd read it. so what am i talking about on my other blog? stupid crap like what i did today. really boring and uninteresting.

so i guess i'm back here. not too bad though. i've been looking for a summer job but no one's hiring. or at least no one that wants me. and i'm pretty picky. i really don't need money aside from my what parents give for my rent and education. it would be nice if i had money. but not that nice. i think i actually don't want money since i'm pretty much working for free or sometimes paying to work (i.e. volunteering).

oh i don't know if i mentioned this, but i'm planning to go to england and spain next year. six months in europe. my mom doesn't mind the england part but she thinks i'm crazy that i'm going to spain "just to learn spanish." i told her that i would pay for it with a loan and that i'd get her Lladro figurines or whatever. she still thinks i'm but she's not stopping me.

and i really need to get away. i can't stand this city anymore but since i want to hurry and graduate, i want to finish here. so i might as well stay away as much as possible. i'm pretty excited. not as excited as when i first figured this plan out. i just need a couple thousand dollars and survive the next school year and intensive summer spanish classes (and get accepted into the program) and it looks like a go.

a week ago, i ran into the beach water with the cell phone in my shorts. i learned that saltwater and electronics don't meet. so for abot a week i was unconnected to a phone, and it was pretty nice. not that anyone really cared. it was just one less thing to worry about. my mom was a little annoyed at my carelessness. we got a replacement phone and it sucks becaues now i'm going to worry more abou this stupid thing. oh well. now i have to go plug all the phone numbers back in. i used to have this talent for memorizing phone numbers but after i got a cell phone that became useless. oh well.