Have you ever had someone really close to you that wore the ultimate rose-colored glasses? And felt somewhat jealous and bitter toward them? My now ex-roommate is like that and everytime I think of her I just have these negative emotions. And I really don't understand why. I was asking Xab how I can know so much more (more than her) about the world and feel so miserable. "Ignorance is bliss," he replied. But there's nothing in the cliche proverb to explain my bitterness. I don't want to be ignorant. I'm trying to fight my own ignorance and I guess I can't stand other people prancing around in their own, making no effort to educate themselves.

But it still makes no sense. I feel horrible that I feel jealous. I try to give myself excuses that we just have different realities or different viewpoints but another side of me says that that's total bullshit - there's only one reality and different viewpoints are merely the degree of brainwashedness... probably a more paranoid, psychotic side of me.

My other roommate asked "Why should you feel bad that your friend is happy?" (but hey, she's in the same dilemma as well). Aside from all the bitterness, I hope to God that her rose-colored window never shatters.

well finals are finally over. not that they were too bad. i only had two. i'm still in my apartment though. everyone at home is wondering why i just don't come home and well, truthfully, i just don't feel like it. I kind of just need some downtime to myself and just need to zone out for a week. I really don't want anyone bothering me after this hectic school year. Just one week to myself and then I can go home every weekend if they want.

I'm actually not spending the week by myself. One of my roommates (the one I don't despise) is stuck here and it sucks being alone so I'll just keep her company. But that probably won't happen. I visited some family over the weekend. I originally was going to live at their house if I didn't get next year's housing situation straightened out. It's a good thing that I did because they live really far.

Still looking for a job. Getting kinda discouraged and wondering if I actually need a job or if I'm afraid that people are going to look at me and wonder why I'm a lazy bum. But I'm not going to be a lazy bum if I don't work. I'd probably do some volunteering and reading (some real education that I couldn't do because school gets in the way). Of course I wouldn't get paid but I seriously don't need money. I can survive off thrift shopping and begging frozen leftovers from my auntie... and finding more relatives that live in the area.