Lately, I have been feeling like the root of all evil. And it's hard being the root of all evil. I don't want to dwell though. I'm starting counseling. I think about suicide way too much and I think I really don't want to do it but it's frustrating and draining that all my thoughts go to jumping off a bridge or driving my car into a wall or poisoning myself but usually my thoughts are that I would hit someone on my way off the bridge, or what a waste of a new car or that's too bad for whoever has to clean up after me.

I told the therapist that I react strongly. But after a week of thought, that isn't true. I actually have very delayed reactions. For instance, two months after my ex roommate tore my heart into shreds, I just realize how wrong she was to make me feel so bad or how wrong she is period. But I dunno. Too many damn psychology classes are trying to make me see things objectively but who sees things objectively? No one. So why should I? Because everyone else is crazy.

I pissed off Xab. He's part of the grocery strike. But he's not striking. I haven't pushed him too because he insists that he'll just find another job. I pointed out that it took him a month to find his first job (and that was the month where I really wanted shoot myself). If he strikes for a certain number of hours he gets a little money and if he doesn't, it could be weeks until he gets a paycheck. I mean, sure if gets a job tomorrow he still won't get a paycheck for another week or two and who's going to have to make ends meet? Me. And I seriously can't. I'm still trying to pay off the debt we made from the past few months. I shouldn't have brought it up. but I dunno. It's important right? It's stupid money. And it isn't about money. It's about covering things up so I don't caught for harboring a boyfriend.